For our American visitors...
"Talking Australian, mate?"
As rare as rocking horse sh*t.
He's as flash as a rat with a gold tooth
Useless as pockets in a singlet
Useless as overdrive on a bulldozer
As much use as tits on a bull
as much use as a hatful of arseholes
Stone the crows!
the duck's guts (something good)
Regarding luck, (or lack of):
If it was raining soup I'd be out there with a fork
as miserable as a bastard on Father's Day
Someone out of place:
Like an old wh*re at a christening
--or at a wedding
--or at a gay men's picnic
It's completely Kangaroo Edward. (Roo Ted)
Dunny Budgies - Blowflies.
As flat as a sh*t-carter's hat !
Rain - It's comin' down like blind roof tilers !
If it was raining prostitutes he'd be washed down the drain with a poofter.
He's got a grin like a sh*t eating dog.
He was so thick he had "Wide Load" tattoos on his forehead
He was so big he wore army boots for earrings
He was so hungry he could eat the crutch out of a low flying emu
He had a grin like a carpet snake in a chook pen
He was as useless as a chocolate teacup
He was as useless as an ashtray on a motorbike
He got his fingers burned - right up to the wristwatch
He would screw a fox on the run - if he could only keep in step
As good as a garlic milkshake
A sandwich short of a picnic basket
I hope your chickens turn into emus and kick your dunny door down
I'm drier than a dead desert dingoes donger!
Flat out like a lizard drinking.
Mad as a cut snake.
Mad as a two bob watch.
A few pennies short of a quid.
Not enough cents(sense) to make a dollar.
He has been up the track and back.
Couldn't find water if he was standing in it.
He's a six pack short of a carton.
He's a brick short of a full load
Have a dingo's breakfast: a drink of water and a good look around
Some expressions for being sick (vomiting)
Calling Herb on the big white telephone
Doing a technicolor yodel (yawn)
calling for Ralph
driving the porcelain bus
He couldn't organise a root in a brothel
With friends like that who needs an enema
About as useful as screen doors on a submarine
My old man used to say
"All over the place like a mad woman's poop!"
"Dry as a wooden God!"
"Up and down like a fiddler's elbow"
"It sticks like sh*t to a blanket"
"As Irish as Paddy's pigs"
Here, in gratitude, are a few Southernisms from the Southern U.S.
She was ugly as forty miles of bad road.
I felt so bad it flew all over me.
That whiskey's so good it'll blow your hat in the crick.
That boy done sh*t in his cap and pulled it down over his eyes.
For masturbating: (I think most are Aussie but can't be sure about some...)
choking the chook
a quick one off the wrist
shaking hands with the unemployed
playing the one-string bass
beating the meat
flogging your log
polish the piston
(women masturbating:) gusset typing (not Aussie, credit goes to Pommy comedienne Jo Brand)
tweaking his todger
jerkin' his gherkin
slapping his salami
varnishing the mainmast
dialing the vulva direct
having a Johnny (John Bull)
strangle the dangle
Are you busy?:
Yeah, flat out like a centipede skipping.
Done up like a pox doctors clerk.
as useful as a glass eye at a keyhole
And as popular as a fart in a space-suit :)
got a face like a pig with hiccups!
got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp!
Face like the north end of a southbound camel......
Face like a kicked-in garbage can
Seen better heads on a V8
Breath smells like an anchovies' fanny
She could eat an apple through a tennis racquet.
ie Take them to Ayers Rock and the dingos would leave the area howling at such immense torture.
They call him tail light because he's not as bright as a headlight...
He can eat a meat pie through a picket fence.
Couldn't organise a wank with his dick in his hand.
Couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery
Couldn't organise a root in a brothel.
Ugly as a hat full of arseholes.
As crook as a two bob watch.
He's got an IQ of a piece of bread.
Head like a bag full of spanners...
He wouldn't shout if a shark bit him
As tight as a fish's anus
It's a Swaggies breakfast A PEA and a look around
Pline: New Australian for jumbo jet.
Point Percy at the porcelain: urinate
Lunatic soup: a strong alcoholic drink
Salute the judge: a jockey crossing the finishing line
See a man about a dog: to go to the toilet
given the rough end of the pineapple
chock a block
chew and spew
like pushing sh*t up hill
full as a goog
wouldn't know a bus was up 'im till the doors opened and the passengers got out. (Stupid)
sharp as a bowling ball. (Thick)
tastes like a bunch of angels dancing on my tongue. (Mmmmmm Bundy...)
Lay some cable. (Do number two's)
How about: get ya gear off !!!!
An Australian aristocrat is someone who can trace his lineage all the way back to his father.
They call him:
"Adelaide" - he was half an hour behind everyone else.
"The Big Prawn" - lots of meat and sh*t for brains.
"Champion" - he had a head like a sparkplug.
a friend of mine told me these nicknames were given to workers on the Fremantle Wharf some time ago.
"Vomit" was the nickname given to a shop steward whose stock answer to any
problem was "I'll bring it up at
the next meeting"
Another one who kept promising that he'd "look into it" was stuck with the
And then there was the Wharfie known as the judge:
He was always sitting on a case.
I once heard about a cop called "Hydraulic" - 'cause he could lift anything!
I knew all these blokes.....
Singlet.....he was always on his back (lying down snoozing..usually after lunch),
Coma.......always combing his hair,
Undies......always on his bum (sitting down on the job),
The Foreman........watching everyone else work,
The Council.........6 blokes watching the rest of us working
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.