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Old 02-13-2002, 15:41   #1 (permalink)
FM
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Backyard Cricket Rules..

STANDARD RULES -

Can't Get Out First Ball: Curious rule introduced to give the token unco-bastard a reprieve. Smart-arse batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep - which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it to hone their beamer.

Caught Behind: Since no-one has the desire or the reflexes to stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut.

One Hand, One Bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce) is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised with a minimum of players. More importantly, it means you don't have to put your beer down.

No LBW: When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the crease as i f test driving a Zimmer frame.

Six And Out (Then Fetch It): Introduced to combat space and energy restrictions. It's rumoured to have been initiated by a hapless bowler living alongside a pack of Rottweilers.

ESSENTIAL ITEMS -
Esky:
Strategically placed at the bowler's end, the esky is the shrine, the fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket - because it holds the beer.

Balls: A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as there's always some pissed smart-arse who delights in tonking them over the fence. Advanced exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to give it more swing than Austin Powers.

Dog: Preferable of Kelpie or Heeler extraction, so it can field every ball, including those that dissapear under the house or thorny bushes. The downside is that they produce more slobber than a 14 year old male Penthouse reader. The upside is the dog will sleep for 3 days straight afterwards.

Rubbish Bin: It would be nice to think you can clean up your own mess, but in reality the bin makes a perfect set of stumps.

Bat: Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on the handle, it's usually of 1980's vintage, with a fake signature of Allan Border or Merv Hughes providing added backyard cult status.


CODE OF ETHICS -
Stumps:
The game draws to a close when, a) your pissed host finally cooks the snags after the barbie has run out of gas, b) Macca hits the last ball onto the road and it dissapears down the drain, or c) your girlfriend cracks the shits and wants to go home because you "become a bastard" when you hang around with your mates.

Flower Damage: Any respectful male will cringe and help hide the fact that you have just topped your girlfriend's petunias. Somehow, the universal threat of a week-long drought bonds the male species.

Spilt Beer: Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise profusely and offer to replace the vanquished stubbie. Fat Chance. The feat prompts shitloads of laughter, and the usually triumphant "Get me one while you're at it!"

No Running Bewteen Wickets: Every backyard cricket specialist should know this phrase, "The words fun and run don't go together." Just ask Arjuna Ranatunga. Besides, how the hell are you supposed to run in thongs?

Courtesy Call: Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They usually say no, but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of the willow. You can bowl a couple of dollies to her so she can hit before ending this freakish sideshow with a yorker. Most chicks hold a bat as if they're chopping wood. And they can't handle yorkers.
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Old 02-13-2002, 16:04   #2 (permalink)
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Where is the bit about the neighbour starting a punch up cos the ball landed in his yard and bent a blade of grass ??!!??
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Old 02-13-2002, 16:14   #3 (permalink)
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That only happens in FightStreet(tm) matey..

Is going to court too!! What a cack!..
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Old 02-13-2002, 16:39   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by FM
That only happens in FightStreet(tm) matey..

Is going to court too!! What a cack!..
So when I come to visit mate, should I bring the GN "Signature Edition" bat with me for an innings in the street? :oo1: :s6:
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Old 02-13-2002, 16:46   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Mr Sparkle
So when I come to visit mate, should I bring the GN "Signature Edition" bat with me for an innings in the street? :oo1: :s6:
If you keen to take on the limited edition GN white single scoop signed by Kim Hughes mate!
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Old 02-13-2002, 16:54   #6 (permalink)
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Haha, this reminds me of an annual event one of my good mates has every year called the Sinep Cup (reverse sinep...) I was invited along to one of years a couple of years back. It's a day long game of cricket, with a few unusual rules.

All those who turn up are divided into two teams. The idea is to score the most runs (naturally) but standard rules don't always apply...

- You can't get out for a duck
- You have to retire if you score more than 50 runs

- The fielding side must have an esky, at least have full available to all players. Runs are deducted from the total if the esky is empty at any stage during the innings.

- All players on the field, including batsmen, must have a beer in their hands at all times, except for the facing batsmen and the bowler who may temporarily drop their beers to bowl/face delivery. Runs are deducted if a player is seen without a beer, or is left holding an empty stubbie.

- Players who require bladder relief must do it in their fielding position, down on one knee whilst holding their beer. Batsmen must urinate at least a few metres from the pitch. Runs deducted for urinating in a fashion not described above.

- Runs will be awarded for acts considered part of the Sinep Cup tradition. Display of public nudity are most generously awarded.

The team I played for lost because a member of the opposite team did two complete laps of the field completely starkers.

This was played at an oval in Merrylands, at an intersection of two reasonably major roads so anything we did was easily viewable by passing drivers.

A lot of fun, due to rules it was impossible not to be drunk the entire time, which made for some very interesting cricket. :s3
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Old 02-13-2002, 17:16   #7 (permalink)
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That sounds abit like the social cricket scene at my work, we have matches between the different plants...The "refinery" Kicks Ass
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Old 02-13-2002, 21:08   #8 (permalink)
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Funny stuff FM and Venom,

I reckon these rules should be printed out and nailed to every back fence to prevent confusion, which normaly leads to the BackYardBrawl(tm).
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Old 02-14-2002, 03:54   #9 (permalink)
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Mark Taylor used to live behind me when he was younger (his parents still do) & he was the backyard master until he would get a six & out over my house. He has a TS50 now so he is odviously a man of class too
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Old 02-14-2002, 05:18   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Mr Jucy
Mark Taylor used to live behind me when he was younger (his parents still do) & he was the backyard master until he would get a six & out over my house. He has a TS50 now so he is odviously a man of class too
Wow what a top bloke! Not only does he hold the record for the highest runs in a test innings for an Australian along with the late Sir Don (334) but the guy also drives a TS 50! I don't think I need to say anthing else
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