Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured
by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver They had to walkie-talkie in
3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
**** Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like crap to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too
painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell, and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK:---(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)