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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-15-01, 08:20 PM Thread Starter
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Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting

Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous

celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one

else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the

last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table

asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured

by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be

all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer

during the tasting, so I accepted

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried

paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken


FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver They had to walkie-talkie in

3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part

of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh

refills; that 300 lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this

nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I

farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant

seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain

damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly

on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

**** Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned


JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried

about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is

cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the

world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered

with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of

lava-like crap to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy

they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too

painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,

I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,

not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3

passed out, fell, and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not

sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK:---(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-15-01, 08:48 PM
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Everyone in the office is wondering WTF I'm laughing about!! That is hilarious.:D :D

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.

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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-15-01, 08:58 PM
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very very funny, had to take a call halfway through reading it, needed a few seconds to get myself together again.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-15-01, 09:59 PM
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Is it really that funny?:confused: :confused: :confused: :WH: :CraZ:
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-15-01, 10:19 PM
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yes. yes it is.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-15-01, 10:20 PM
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Originally posted by discokin6
yes. yes it is.
Okay then.:CraZ: :CraZ: :CraZ: :CraZ: :CraZ:
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-16-01, 12:31 AM
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Good stuff.. just what a bloke needs on a slow day.. :D

Chucky's saying of the month- Finish your beer! There are sober kiddies in Ethiopia.."
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-16-01, 12:54 AM Administrator
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LMAO. "I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone." Thats a ****en good one .LOL Hahahahahahahha
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-16-01, 05:42 AM
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Havent laughed so hard for a long time!! good stuff

I got nothin!!
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 10-16-01, 05:59 AM
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I also havent laughed so hard in a long time (just read it again), would go as far to say it's probably the most funny things I can remember reading in a long long time if not ever.
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