1. What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the ass & say, "You're next!"
2. What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
3. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting, swallowing & gargling
4. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
5. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
6. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in common?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.
7. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.
8. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
9. How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
10. Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
11. How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you lose your house.
12. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.
13. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.
14. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
16. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
17. When is a pixie not a pixie?
when he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
18. What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
19. How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.
20. Which of the following doesn't belong: meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs, & your meat, but you just can't beat a blow job.
21. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
22. Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
23. Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the tip.
24. Why did God invent alcohol?
So ugly people can get laid.
25. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"
26. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
Your last blow job.
27. What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.
28. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with Darkness'.
29. Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of the guide dog.
30. What have women & condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.
31. How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.
32. What's got four legs & an arm?
33. What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
34. What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
35. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
36. How is pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)
37. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
38. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
39. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
40. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
41. Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
42. Why do bachelors like smart women?
43. Why do Italians wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mother.
44. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
45. Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
46. Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.
47. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
48. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.