The Dumps - *Warning - Vulgor Themes ahead*
The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare
but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you
get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with
the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the
toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel
that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with
it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too
many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a
sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog
that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill
advised...
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you
all day stinging yer ring and generally making your chockie starfish feel
like the huttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese
Flag."
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an
empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You
could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the
curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to
the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...pull up yer
kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll.
Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're
wet and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip
of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature
for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it
hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll
ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines
screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three
things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell
you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace
when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the
floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16...damn
commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates
are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover
the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At
the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of
your favourite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You
grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the
little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach
between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors...
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole
roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is
consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply
anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it
takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about
to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven
encores....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down
the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as
you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the
next person who comes in.
__________________
Marcos Ambrose - 2003 V8 Supercar CHAMPION This could be the start of something big
|
Linear Mode
