Due to the current financial situation, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Scheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse), or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your Manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.