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Old 11-17-2003, 03:07   #1 (permalink)
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biggrin A few quick ones

Never politically correct as per usual.

A middle aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down
the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph,and was enjoying the wind blowing
through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him,blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the heck am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for them
Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro
and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. if you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran
off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman replied, "Have a nice day sir."
--------------------------------------
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure
out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
------------------------------------------
Some Invention
News from the World of Science

A university scientist has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric in cold
weather.

At the news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of men and had the shit kicked out of him.
--------------------------------------
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it
was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open
areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your
life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your
health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the otherthings
that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything
else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there isno
room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you
spendall your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room
forthe things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that
arecritical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be
timeto go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the
disposal.Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then... A student took the jar which the other students and the
professor agreed was full, pulled a can of beer out of his backpack,
andpoured it into the jar. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces
within the jar making the jar truly full. "No matter how full your life
is," the student quipped, "there's always room for beer!"
----------------------------------
Four ex-U.S. Presidents were playing a round of golf in Kansas when they were caught in a tornadoand whisked off to the Land of Oz.
They made their way to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "
I've come for some courage'.
"NO PROBLEM!" said the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan stepped forward,
"Well........., I......, .I think I need a brain'.
'DONE', said the Wizard'.
'WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?'
Up stepped George Bush, so sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard.
'CONSIDER IT DONE'
Then there was a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton was just standing there, looking around, but not saying a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asked,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "Er ... Is Dorothy here?"
---------------------------------
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a
job."

The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Last edited by dave_au; 11-17-2003 at 13:28.
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Old 11-17-2003, 03:59   #2 (permalink)
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Re: A few quick ones

Quote:
"Last week my wife ran
off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman replied, "Have a nice day sir."
bwahahahahahhahahaha. Love the line, what a classic.
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Old 11-17-2003, 04:11   #3 (permalink)
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Re: A few quick ones

BAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
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Old 11-17-2003, 04:40   #4 (permalink)
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Re: A few quick ones

Hehehehe, those we good. Thanks for that, I needed a laugh...
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Old 11-17-2003, 06:49   #5 (permalink)
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Re: A few quick ones

Hehehe good jokes mate, thansk !
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Old 11-17-2003, 15:01   #6 (permalink)
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Re: A few quick ones

Hehe I noticed the last one is slightly altered from the one I know. Good effort dave funny, funny...most of them are new to me!
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Old 11-17-2003, 15:17   #7 (permalink)
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Re: A few quick ones

bwahahahahahhahahaha good jokes mate.
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Old 02-16-2004, 02:13   #8 (permalink)
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Re: A few quick ones

{A} Almost Boobs...

damnit ive only got almost boobies {tm}
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Old 02-16-2004, 03:21   #9 (permalink)
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Re: A few quick ones

ive heard them all before but still made me laugh
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Old 02-16-2004, 03:48   #10 (permalink)
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Re: A few quick ones

Oldies but goodies.
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