"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
* Author Unknown
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
* Jeff Foxworthy
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
* Marilyn Pittman
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
* Paula Poundstone
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through eating a fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness.... I could be eating a slow learner."
* Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
* Johnny Carson
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
* Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law
* Jerry Seinfeld
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
* A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
* Dave Barry
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
* George Carlin
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Lewis Grizzard
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"
* Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There 's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for a life. - Andrew Brown