Get certified! DUH
SchnellNet "DUH (Digital User Help)" Certification
Want a fast-paced IT career, but can't handle one of those tough
certification classes that require you to, like, read books and figure
out lots of boring computer crap that doesn't involve playing
"Solitaire" or "Minesweeper?" Have no fear!
Advanced Certification for People Who Shouldn't Be Certified to Use
The exclusive SchnellNet D.U.H. certification will instantly give you
the kind of qualifications that will make employers take a second look
at you! In fact, they'll probably be so impressed that they'll take your
resume and hang it up on an office bulletin board and circle in big red
letters the part that says "DUH Certification" so everyone can see it
and be impressed! Plus it's almost guaranteed to get you a job in the
How it Works
First, you send us lots of money. Then, you take the following test
(answers are already provided!), write down your answers in crayon, and
mail it to:
P.O. Box 1313
Goochland, VA 90210
Your official certification certificate will arrive Real Soon Now! So
hurry, take the test! Do it now! NOW!
The D.U.H. Certification Test
Q: How do you "boot" your computer?
A: Kick it real hard. If this doesn't work, repeat. If, after several
attempts, this still doesn't work, your computer is broken.
Q: What are MB and GB?
A: Tiny little elves that make your computer run. The big elves are
called "MB," and the tiny elves are called "GB," so you definitely want
more big elves than small elves. The more elves you have, the better
your computer is. For example, your computer "should have at least 32
MBs and, like, 6 or 8 GBs." This is so there are enough elves that they
can take turns and not get tired.
Q: What are Unix, Linux, MacOS, and BeOS?
A: Bad things that make your computer incompatible with Windows 95 or
98. Remember that if your computer does not run Windows 95, you may be
susceptible to a "DOS attack," meaning that your computer doesn't have a
DOS prompt. This is very bad.
Q: What is a "hacker?"
A: A hAx0r is a k3wl d00d, has l33t sKillZ with a r00t k1t and 0wNz
y00. You too can be a hacker if you a.) read the "Buqtraq" mailing list
but have no idea what any of it is about, b.) show your "mad skillz" by
eventually figuring out how to download SNES ROMs, and c.) have the
requisite number of pimples.
Q: How do you add more RAM to a computer?
A: First, go to your local computer store and tell them that you want
"more MBs." When they ask you how much, just tell them "a lot," but show
them that you are computer-savvy and won't be ripped off by insisting
that you get a number of MBs that isn't divisible by two. When they
eventually give up and give you a "RAM chip," go home and put it into
the slot where floppy disks go. If it doesn't fit, you just need to push
it in real hard. If your computer doesn't work after this, go back to
the computer store and tell them that they sold you bad MBs.
Q: Your ISP says you should use "FTP" to publish your web site. Should
you do this?
A: No. They are kidding you, since "FTP" only delivers flowers.
Instead, you should outsmart them and use Microsoft FrontPage, which
does not use "FTP" or any other "standard" known to "anyone" except
"Microsoft." Join the hive mind! Conform! Conform!
Q: Where is the CD-ROM located on your computer?
A: It doesn't have one. They removed it to install a coffee holder.
Q: How do you log onto the web and surf your e-mail?
A: Double-click the AOL icon, then call tech support. They may suggest
that you do things like buy a "modem" or "get a phone cord" but this is
not true and you should angrily tell them that you want them to send you
an upgraded CD which has those things built in. Then wait.
Q: Your ISP says you should use "SSH" to connect to your server. Should
A: No. "SSH!" makes your computer very quiet and turns off your sound
card, so you should call your ISP and insist that they use a louder
protocol that supports your sound card.
Q: When software programmers use the term "user," what do they mean?
A: This is a code word for "Waste of the Human Genome" or "Fat Sack of
Q: How can you be just like a real techie who works at an ISP?
A: Frequently use the word "irrelevant," but never spell it correctly.
Try "irrelivant," "irelivent," and "irrevelant" to start with, but be
sure to develop your own sub-literate variations for extra coolness!
Q: Which is better, a Compaq, a Dell, or a Gateway?
A: Don't be tricked into joining these irrelivant technical arguments.
A Compaq is something girls use to put on make-up; a Dell is something
farmers live in; and a Gateway is like marijuana, which makes you try
heroin. Insist that the best computers are judged by how many MBs and
GBs it has, and whether they are friendly elves or angry elves (which
cause computers to crash).
Q: How do you install a PCI card?
A: "PCI" stands for "Push it into the floppy drive slot CI." Jam it
really hard if it doesn't work the first time.
Q: Why aren't your "Floppy Disks" floppy?
A: This is because you have let them get too cold and brittle. Put them
in the microwave for 6-8 minutes, and they should be suitably soft. This
method also works with RAM chips and PCI cards.
Q: On a Macintosh computer, how do you a.) start a program, b.) open a
directory, and c.) shut down the computer?
A: On a Macintosh, there is no "Start" button, so there is no way to do
any of these things.
Q: Are there any books you should read to figure out how your computer
A: Your computer manufacturer may include a thin book called a
"Manual," but you should NEVER read this, as it will void your warranty.
Most computer books for real techies are disguised in code, and are
written under the pseudonym of "H.P. Lovecraft." Follow these
instructions completely, except substitute "Cthulu" for "your hard
drive" and "the Necronomicon of the Mad Arab Abdul Al-Hazred" for "the
Q: Should you "back up" my computer?
A: NO! When you "back up" your computer, it erases all of the good data
off of it! You should keep your important data and documents only in one
place, or - even better - save them all to unlabeled floppy disks. For
safe keeping, you should store these around powerful magnets which will
keep them safe from viruses.
Q: How do you add a Zip drive to your computer?
A: Some Zip drives are sold without the required Zipper. If you buy a
Zip drive and it does not have one, complain to the manufacturer. If
they refuse to provide you with one, you can add one yourself by taking
off your pants, and ripping the zipper off and gluing it to the front of
the drive. Once you have done this, it should work fine, without you
even needing to plug it in. If the manufacturer's tech support
representatives tell you otherwise, tell them that you aren't wearing
any pants now. Ask to speak to their supervisors until you have
escalated to their company CEO. Wait for a call.
Q: What is a "driver"?
A: Drivers are necessary for your computer, but they need to be
"designated" in order to work. For each peripheral which is attached to
your computer, drink 8-10 shots of "Old Crow" bourbon, then call up the
manufacturer and demand that they supply you with a "designated driver."
Don't stop until they do.
Q: What does a software EULA (End User License Agreement) mean?
A: Most people don't read this agreement thoroughly enough to realize
that it requires you to upload a copy of your software to an Internet
"warez" site, including your serial number and home address. If you
don't do this, you will violate the agreement, and the software
company's lawyers will own your house. If you follow these instructions,
however, the software company's lawyers will own your house.
Q: If someone wants to become a computer programmer, but lacks basic
literacy skills, can they still do it?
A: Yes. Buy a copy of Microsoft Visual Basic. It has been shown in
laboratory studies that the average chimpanzee can, with Visual Basic,
create a new program which exploits some security hole in Microsoft
Outlook within 10-15 minutes of random clicking on pictures. Your
results may vary, depending on whether you have learned to use your
Q: How do you check your computer for viruses?
A: Purchase a stethoscope and attach it to your computer. Open a
program, then listen for a "whirring" sound. If you hear this, your
computer is "coughing" due to a virus. Move this program to the Recycle
Bin and empty it. Also do this anytime you save a document and it makes
this sound. Repeat this process until the only time your computer makes
these sounds is when it starts up. Then use the "Start" button to get a
MS-DOS prompt, and type "deltree *.*." This should fix the problem.
Q: When should you upgrade your software?
A: Many software companies will try to trick you into using plain old
software by announcing something as a "release." Instead, try to find
software which is listed as "beta," which is even better (the smaller
the number, the more "correct" the software is). Best of all is software
which is called "alpha." Upgrade to this immediately, and do not back up
your old software, since the old version sucks.
Q: If your computer has a problem, how do you fix it?
A: Hit it with a large stick. This will show your computer who is the
boss. Once you have plenty of dents in it, ship it back to the
manufacturer and complain to them about how many defects it had and how
you had to "school it" by "tanning its hide, just like you do to your
kids." Eventually, people will show up from a software company called
"Child Protective Services" and mistakenly try to fix your kids. Beat
them with a stick as necessary and insist that they fix your computer.
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