“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.”
Bart: That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer: Ooh, let’s pick him up!
Marge: No! What if he’s crazy?
Homer: And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.
"Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
“Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.”
“Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watch them pass me over for promotions time and again.”
“Oh, my god, Marge. A penalty shot, with only four seconds left. It’s your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.”
“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”
“Come here, Apu. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”
“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
Art lady: "It's called 'outsider art.' It could be done by a mental
patient, a hillbilly . . . or a chimpanzee."
Homer: "Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!"
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!"
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like ... love!"
Homer: "You tried your best, kid, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: 'Never try.'"
Homer: "This isn't rocket science, this is brain surgery!"
Homer: "I'm about to do some serious thinking."
Bart: "I'm thinking he meant serious drinking."
Lisa: "That's what I'd assume.""Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumps Ville. Population: you."
Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene."
The AutoGuide.com network consists of the largest network of enthusiast-owned enthusiast-operated automotive communities.
AutoGuide.com provides the latest car reviews, auto show coverage, new car prices, and automotive news. The AutoGuide network operates more than 100 automotive forums where our users consult peers for shopping information and advice, and share opinions as a community.