“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.”
Bart: That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer: Ooh, let’s pick him up!
Marge: No! What if he’s crazy?
Homer: And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.
"Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”
“Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.”
“Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watch them pass me over for promotions time and again.”
“Oh, my god, Marge. A penalty shot, with only four seconds left. It’s your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.”
“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”
“Come here, Apu. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”
“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but
somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
Art lady: "It's called 'outsider art.' It could be done by a mental
patient, a hillbilly . . . or a chimpanzee."
Homer: "Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!"
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!"
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like ... love!"