Join Date: May 2001
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
How to change oil
Poached this from performanceforums.com...
"Oil Change Instructions For Smart People"
1) Drive down to the GT Ford Performance when the odometer
reaches 5000Km since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
$40.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Oil Change Instructions For Someone Who Does Their Own Work CAUSE It's Cheaper"
1) Go to auto parts store and write a cheque for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it to the servo to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack >stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16in socket set.
9) Give up and use ring spanner.
10) Unscrew drain plug, ensuring to strip the bolt as >much as
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Swear profusely and clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist >off.
16) Have another Beer.
17) Mate shows up; finish slab with him. Finish oil >change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from >underneath the car.
19a) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during >step 18.
19b) Pour pan of oil down the hole in the >backyard, and cover.
20) Have another Beer. Oh No, you drank it all >yesterday.
21) Walk to store; buy a slab.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin >coat of oil to
23) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the drain plug is buried in a hole in the back
yard, along with drain oil.
27) Have another beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the >floor.
30) Have another beer.
31) Slip with spanner tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on suspension.
32) Bang head on floor in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin swearing fit.
34) Throw spanner.
35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because spanner hit Miss
December(1992) in the left boob.
35) Have another Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as to stop blood Flow.
37) Have another Beer.
38) Have another Beer.
39) Dump in five litres of fresh oil.
40) Have another Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
44) Have another Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over - arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Take Taxi home
49) Have argument with wife
50) Wife refuses to drive. Take taxi to impound yard >next day.
51) Get car from impound yard, pay fine
52) Buy flowers for wife
53) Go to Court. Get fined. Have licence suspended.
54) Take train/bus/taxi for next 3 months
$50.00 replacement set of jack stands:
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
$400.00 Transport fares
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.