How to be a top Nascar Driver
A few simple rules and guidelines:
1. Your name must end in EEE. As in BobEEE, CasEE, RickEEE, TonEE, KerEEE etc. etc.. Other good old boy names won't do as the commentators are more comfortable with the EEE names.
2. You must be able to follow complex instructions such as "TURN LEFT".
3. The ability to drive whilst three different people are yacking in your ears is handy. The crew chief yelling "Pit, pit", the commentators asking silly questions and the spotter yelling "turn left, turn left".
4. You must have a hard head. This helps you to be convinced that hitting concrete walls at 180mph is actually "good fun".
5. In the post crash interview you must be able to fit all 24 sponsors names into one sentence that includes the phrases "we had a great chance of winning tonight" (even if you qualified 43rd) AND "this is the best car I have ever driven".
6. In the winners circle it is important to remember that the "good Lord" actually helped you to win.
7. It is important to take your helmet with you after exiting a crashed car - this allows you to throw it at the guy who turned you into the wall as he goes past - much to the pleasure of the crowd.
8. You must have perfected the phrase "yeeehaaaaaaawwww".