Join Date: May 2001
Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
If Noah Had Built the Ark Today!!
The Lord spoke to Noah and said "Noah, in six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save a few people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark and here are the specifications.
"Ok" Noah said, taking the blueprints. "I'm your man."
"Remember six months and it will start to rain" thundered the Lord "Be sure the Ark is ready".
Six months passed and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard weeping, but there was no Ark.
"Where is MY ARK" shouted the Lord.
"Lord, please forgive me" begged Noah "but there have been some problems. Let me explain." "First I had to get a building permit, and your plans did not meet the OH & S code. So I had to get an safety engineer to re-do the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."
"My neighbours objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the town planner."
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the N.P & W Service that I needed the wood to save the owls but they wouldn't let me cut the wood or catch the owls. So, no owls".
"Next when I started gathering up the animals, I got sued by RSPCA and animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."
"Just when that suit got dismissed, the Environment Protection Agency notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact on your proposed flood. They didn't take too kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Then the Dept of Planning and Water Resources wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe. They said that they didn't think that was funny."
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission and their Civil Rights Commission over the number of minorities I'm supposed to hire."
"The Commissioner of Taxation has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country without a passport and Quarantine Service impounding all the animals to make sure they have no contagious diseases.
"Also, I got notice from the state that I need a ship-worthy inspection sticker, a certificate of approval for water and land use, and I must pay personal property tax to the Taxation Office before I can get a License to leave the country. You know Lord I don't think I can finish the Ark in less than five years."
With that the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. You mean you are not going to destroy the world, Lord?" he asked hopefully. "No" said the Lord "the government has beaten me to it."
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.