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Old 06-04-2003, 05:30   #1 (permalink)
Faster than Zyrtec
 
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Tongue Jag joke - soso, Bankstown joke, excellent

Blah - forget this one, read the exam (post 3)


From an electrical engineer (they have a queer sense of humour at the best of times)


Lucas Aphorisms


Lucas - Prince of Darkness
Lucas - inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker, and Off.
Or what about the other 3 settings: Smoke, Smoulder and Burn?

The British drink warm beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. I have had a Lucas Pacemaker for years and never had any trou...

How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.

Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency that's all.

It is not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance. (Dave_au notes: Don't blame me)

QA called and told the engineer they had trouble with his design shorting out so he made the wires longer.

Recently, Lucas won out over Bosch to supply the electrical for the new Volkswagens. So, now the cars from the Black Forest will come with electrics supplied by the Lord of Darkness -- how appropriate!

Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.
Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb.
Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

Recommended procedure before taking on repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken, and walk 3 time sunwise around your car chanting Oh, mighty Prince protect your unworthy servant...

Last edited by dave_au; 02-16-2004 at 06:35. Reason: For love of comedy. And the "U suck" PMs
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Old 06-04-2003, 05:34   #2 (permalink)
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Hhhhmmmmmm...what can i say.
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Old 06-04-2003, 05:44   #3 (permalink)
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Just shoot me ? Fine its that bad - here's my "break in case of emergency" email joke that ive received: (PS might offend just about anyone - I didnt write it)

BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL
CITY OF BANKSTOWN
MATHEMATICS EXAM
NAME .......................
GANG .......................

Time allowed 1 hour

1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to
Punchbowl then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?

4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from
Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?

6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47 years old?

8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?

10. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

11. If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?

12. Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many ounces of cut will he need?

13. Chang gets $300.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and $100.00 for a Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW's and three Falcons, how many Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?

14. If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on top, then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2 mm per day)

15. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?

16. If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times per hour in Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word "mate" in Penrith Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a population of 10,000?

17. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichardt to Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

18. If Ahmed uses 1 kg of "bog" to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray paint will he need if Hardware House is selling them for $9.00 each and each can has 85 mls and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius?

19. Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He received $10,00.00 for the hit. His common law wife is spending $100.00 per month. How much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

20. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:
a) 2 feet away ...%
b) 5 feet away ...%
c) 100 feet away ...%

21. If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and she wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo pastry will she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62 c a sheet and she normally uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?

22. Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?

23. If George has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per hour?

24. If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths HSC exam to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 metre
apart from Julie?

END OF EXAM
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Old 06-04-2003, 06:16   #4 (permalink)
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What made the Spitfire win the battle of Britain?

It did not have Lucas electrics

You forget to mention Landies/Range Rover driver suffer from the same curse of Lucas 'dunk plugs'.
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Old 06-04-2003, 08:04   #5 (permalink)
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dave_AU,

Have you been talking to russellw?

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Old 06-04-2003, 08:37   #6 (permalink)
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LMFAO at the second one.......bugger political correctness!
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Old 06-04-2003, 18:20   #7 (permalink)
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Defiantly true about the reliability of Lucas Electrics and the Second post Is a bloody pissa thanks guys for the laugh. I needed it this shit Thursday Morning
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Old 02-16-2004, 03:19   #8 (permalink)
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Re: For Jag owners - Past and Present - Lucas Electrics

lol @ the jokes, keep em coming!

danny
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Old 02-16-2004, 06:16   #9 (permalink)
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Re: For Jag owners - Past and Present - Lucas Electrics

OMG that is excellent, love the bankstown one its a classic

Cheers

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