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Old 12-15-2001, 20:59   #1 (permalink)
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Joke Rules!

Ok folks. In an attempt to keep jokes and the such in one area this forum is now avail to you. Please post anything that is not to bad or sick. Admins have final say if it is clean enough or not. If not, it will be deleted, no reasons given. Don't put anything thing here you wouldn't tell mom or grandma!
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Old 12-15-2001, 23:35   #2 (permalink)
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Is it okay if I would tell it to my mom, but not my grandma?
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Old 12-16-2001, 06:26   #3 (permalink)
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Well post it, if it gets taken down you will know it was to much!
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Old 02-06-2002, 13:50   #4 (permalink)
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:s6: What if my grandma told it to me and my mom blushed! :s6:
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Old 02-07-2002, 22:44   #5 (permalink)
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Than your Grandma rules.
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Old 03-07-2002, 16:20   #6 (permalink)
1 Rangey is never enough
 
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This should be fairly pc.
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as euroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". sertainly ,sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also , the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typwriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". this will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also , al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they would go.

By the fourth year , peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

Duing ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
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Old 03-07-2002, 16:22   #7 (permalink)
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Ok another one:
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a
recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a
former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!)
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the powercord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f@cking stupid to own a computer
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Old 03-07-2002, 16:24   #8 (permalink)
1 Rangey is never enough
 
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Next time you get stopped for speeding!

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
You: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th drink-driving.
Officer: Is this your car, Sir?
You: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
You: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
You: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
You: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately calls his captain. The car will be quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approaches you to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
You: Sure. Here it is. It's valid.
Captain: whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.( You own the car.)
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun
in it?
You: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there is nothing
in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
You: No problem. You open the boot; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and that there was a dead body in the boot.
You: Yeah, I'll bet the lying b@st@rd told you I was speeding, too!
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Old 03-07-2002, 16:28   #9 (permalink)
1 Rangey is never enough
 
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What Haynes really means!
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good
pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this
cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch
it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been
more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you
think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you
plebe!


Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage for, whilst muttering, “bugger” repeatedly

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to the wife,
"Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs
removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable
drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone




Haynes: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar the thing you
want to do!

For Added Haynes Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read
the bit
about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book
that uses
this form of
understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look
at these
two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will
never
look like that..."

Flick to the end and look at the colour glow plug pictures, how do
these
compare to the glow plugs in your Mini? If you cannot locate the glow
plugs
in your Mini see the last translation on the list!
Haynes Manuals are the (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist
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Old 03-07-2002, 16:33   #10 (permalink)
1 Rangey is never enough
 
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Last one for now.
NEW SLANG DICTIONARY, 2001

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEAVER LEAVER
A homosexual.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e."I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BOILER SUIT
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler".
DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass
instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
****SHIT****SHIT****SHIT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually ****-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR (No Beers Required)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.
PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
RAGMAN'S COAT
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !"
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE
To defecate e.g. " I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB
SPERM WAIL
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual.
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TEN-Pinter
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.
TWO-Bagger or DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
VAGINA DECLINER
A homosexual.
WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WANK SEANCE
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".
X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
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