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Old 02-06-2002, 19:39   #1 (permalink)
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: Rocklyn
Posts: 7,750
jokes

1 - Macho man meets his match ...Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night -- whether you're here or not."
_________________________________________________________
#2 - Till death do us part ...Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
_________________________________________________________
#3 - Joined at the tooth ...A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. " Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said.
"Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
_________________________________________________________
#4 - Revenge with numbers ...A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home my little mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four!"
_________________________________________________________
#5 - Second opinion ...A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. He gets up in a rage and says, "And you are not good in bed either" and storms out of the house. A couple of hours later he decides to make amends and in between patient appointments he calls her. After many rings, she answers the phone. Irritated for having to wait, the husband says, "So why'd it take you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed this late in the day?" he demands.
She responds sweetly, "Getting a second opinion."
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Old 02-07-2002, 17:35   #2 (permalink)
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Good ones !!!!
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Old 02-07-2002, 18:23   #3 (permalink)
 
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Ok here are some more



Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry. "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for their birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks likee a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders & jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT.' As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me!"




============ PART TWO============



A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up, carrying the familiar 'peeper bag.' He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that in his other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy
watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus
continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'! as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."




==========PART THREE==========



A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag.' Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hengliding."



**************



The traveler knocked on the door of the house
where a cabdriver had told him he could be
sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel
slid open and a sexy female voice asked what
he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip
twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the
mail slot," answered the sultry voice.

The man did this, the panel closed, several
minutes passed. Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently,
and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed
the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"



***************



A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her
hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot
wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she
please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying
to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth,
but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work
done, and I don't want to ruin it."

So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought,
wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago,
and I don't want to ruin it!


Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a
minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to
ruin them!

So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a
minute, this is going to be loud!"




**************



A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes
to wear hot skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.

Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!!!

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes,
glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's startin to twitch".


*************
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Old 02-07-2002, 18:41   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 2,635
Quote:
Originally posted by HSE2

The traveler knocked on the door of the house
where a cabdriver had told him he could be
sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel
slid open and a sexy female voice asked what
he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip
twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the
mail slot," answered the sultry voice.

The man did this, the panel closed, several
minutes passed. Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently,
and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed
the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
LOL... I gotta try that!!!!!!!
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Old 02-08-2002, 07:58   #5 (permalink)
Tickford Ruled; FPV Rocks
 
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Great jokes, every single one of them!
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