Ok here are some more
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry. "Put dem in a peeper bag."
The clerk does and the two guys pay for their birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
"Dis looks likee a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders & jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT.' As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me!"
============ PART TWO============
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up, carrying the familiar 'peeper bag.' He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that in his other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy
watches as half way down, Seamus takes out the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus
continues to plummet until there is a 'SPLAT'! as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag.' Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hengliding."
The traveler knocked on the door of the house
where a cabdriver had told him he could be
sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel
slid open and a sexy female voice asked what
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip
twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the
mail slot," answered the sultry voice.
The man did this, the panel closed, several
minutes passed. Nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently,
and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed
the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
A blonde walked into a doctor's office with a hole in her
hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot
wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she
please explain how it happened?
The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying
to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth,
but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work
done, and I don't want to ruin it."
So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought,
wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago,
and I don't want to ruin it!
Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a
minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to
So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a
minute, this is going to be loud!"
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes
to wear hot skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack thereof] and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!!!
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes,
glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's startin to twitch".