A Lesson for Baddies - Ford Forums - Mustang Forum, Ford Trucks, Ford Focus and Ford Cars

russellw · 11-09-2002, 14:46

Ususal disclaimer: this is personal opinion, not endorsed by the admin team, not intended as an endorsement of criminal or other heinous activity.

Having watched a couple of late night movies last night I have to wonder what is wrong with the bad guys. So here is some basic advice for future movie "baddies".

1. Buy an anonymous white sedan. Why would you really wish to advertise your presence by driving a purple Cadillac with red crushed velvet interior? Apart from the really bad taste it displays; it draws attention to you.

2. Buy a decent password protectioon system for your computer if you really must store your evil plot on it. Obviously no password at all makes it way to easy for the good guys to download your entire scheme - but even the passwords should be a little better than one that can be cracked by a 12 year old during play lunch.

3. If you really must capture the good guy/gal then remember some basics:

(a) They don't need to be told your entire evil plan just so that they can later thwart it.

(b) If you really are into bondage and must tie them up then at least use some decent knots so that it takes them more than 2 minutes to wriggle out of them.

(c) If you plan on leaving them alone in a locked room so that they can die some slow horrible death - forget it. Inevitably they will escape using a shoe-lace, an old aspirin and the Swiss army that you missed in the strip search.

(d) Last wishes are a no-no.

4. Bombs. Good for scaring people but why stick the bloody big countdown timer on the front just so the hero knows how long he has to defuse it. Speaking of defusing it - maKe the wire selection task a bit harder by using one wire colour - like beige.

5. Guns. Some basic rules:

(a) Get the same unlimited capacity model that the goodies use. This way you won't get shot by running out of bullets.

(b) Take shooting lessons. It's embarrasing when you can spray 300 rounds from a Mac 10 and not hit anyone from 10 metres while the goodies continue to hit your people from 100 metres fair between the eyes.

(c) Remember that the gun you are using won't shoot through the cardboard box the goodies are hiding behind.

6. Stay away from cliffs, high buildings and the edge of piranha infested swimming pools. You know your sense of balance is atrocious and you are just going to fall.

7. Car chases. More basic rules:

(a) Understand that the good guys can hit the rear tyres of your car while travelling at 120 mph down a mountain pass - and with a single shot.

(b) Your high powered European sports car cannot outrun or out handle a Crown Victoria if it is being driven by a Fed - must be something special in the steel rims they use. [B[Note[/B]: This rule does not apply when being chased by 20 County Sherrif Police cruisers as they will all crash into each other for your benefit.

(c) Roadwork signs usually mean that you are about to meet a sticky end.

Cheers
Russ

Pearly · 11-09-2002, 15:18

hahaha good one Russ!!

NZ · 11-09-2002, 15:35

Hey good one, Loved it!!

smciner1 · 11-09-2002, 17:08

That is soooo funny and soooo true!!!!

Russellw, you forgot to mention that all of the cars in the said chase scene have 20 speed gearboxes!!!

Martin · 11-09-2002, 18:05

Dont forget during a car chase whenever the baddie is looking at the goodie through the rear vision mirror, immediately the mirror will suddenly shatter into a thousand pieces due to being shot.

This also applies to when a goodie is getting chased....

smciner1 · 11-09-2002, 22:55

There was also another one in regards to car chase scenes. The car will loose more than four hubcaps in the chase sequence. Don't ask me how, but they do!

Prud · 11-11-2002, 19:17

Hey,

Who's watched too much Bond? Or Bullitt? Ever counted the hubcaps that come off the Dodge in that chase? 10 or 12. That and they pass the same green VW Beetle about 3 times......

L8a,
Prud

Hoon · 11-11-2002, 20:03

Quote:

Originally posted by russellw
but even the passwords should be a little better than one that can be cracked by a 12 year old during play lunch.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

You forget that while you tie them up, tell the goodies all about your evil plans cause they'll never escape!

ford.boy · 11-11-2002, 21:08

Quote:

Originally posted by russellw

(b) If you really are into bondage and must tie them up then at least use some decent knots so that it takes them more than 2 minutes to wriggle out of them.

Shoot!
That's what I've been doing wrong