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Old 06-23-2003, 19:32   #1 (permalink)
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Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Johnny, "he minded his own f*@#ing business!!"

LITTLE JOHNNY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking

Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE JOHNNY ON... MATH:

Little Johnny returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Johnny.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f*@#ing difference? " asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE JOHNNY ON...ENGLISH:

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE JOHNNY ON...GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f*@#ing beautiful!!! "

OK, people, add you own here............ :s6:
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Old 06-23-2003, 19:41   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Little Johnny Jokes

LMFAO! Love the blowjob one!
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Old 06-23-2003, 20:18   #3 (permalink)
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Re: Little Johnny Jokes

ROFLMAO that is the funniest thing ive read in a lOOOOOOOOOOOng time
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Old 06-23-2003, 20:43   #4 (permalink)
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Re: Little Johnny Jokes

I love the wedding ring one, very clever :)
The rest are just as friggen funny.

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Old 06-23-2003, 20:52   #5 (permalink)
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Re: Little Johnny Jokes

Some more to add to the above!
  1. Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question, and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.

    The fist friday the question was how many gallons of water are there in the whole world. No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.

    Next Friday the question was how many grains of sand are there in the whole world. No one knew so they had to sgo to school on Monday.

    By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday, so he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her and she said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?" Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday!"
  2. A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

    Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

    One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

    "Very good, William," said the teacher.

    "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.

    "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

    Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

    "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

    The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

    "It'll teach those Indians not to f*ck with the Lone Ranger!"
  3. One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.

    "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

    Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered: "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

    Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
    "Is it a peach?"

    "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

    "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

    Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

    "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

    "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"
  4. It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

    The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

    Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit." The father asked her what had happened.

    "The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

    "Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."
  5. The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
    "I'm in love," the boy replied.

    Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
    "With you," he said.

    "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

    "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."
  6. One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.

    The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

    Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

    Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand."See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

    Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
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Old 06-23-2003, 23:41   #6 (permalink)
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Re: Little Johnny Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDspaniard
Some more to add to the above!

  1. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

    Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered: "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

    Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
    "Is it a peach?"

    "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

    "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

    Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

    "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"

    "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"
  2. ."
[/size][/font]

I though you were gonna say this one;

Johnny says "its about 3cm long and has a red head"

To which the teacher replied "Johnny! thtas disgusting"

And Johnny replied "nope its a match stick, but i like youre thinking"






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Old 06-24-2003, 19:56   #7 (permalink)
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Re: Little Johnny Jokes

country school - relief teacher

"ok kids... today we're talking about descriptions... descriptions of people, in fact... can one of you tell me a description of a person beginning with "A"?

"arsehole!"
"Billy, that's terrible!!! go to the principle's office!"

"ok... let's try to forget that and think of a description beginning with "B"
"bastard!"
"Tina! To the Principle's office!"

the thinks it might be an idea to give "C" a miss, so next it's
"Can anyone think of a description of a person beginning with "D"?"
"
Little Johnny sticks up his hand
"Dwarf!"

"that's very good Johnny! Now can you tell us what a dwarf is?"


"a little c*nt about this high!"


one of my favourite jokes - mods, delete if necessary!
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Old 06-24-2003, 20:06   #8 (permalink)
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Re: Little Johnny Jokes

Gotta love those little Johnny Jokes!

Priceless!
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