a long one but true for us guys
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've
lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't
have to stall on
shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to
the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff
around everywhere you
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have
to panic that
secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to
something, he or she can
be you friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading
34. None of your co-workers have the power to
make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy
ass every night.
37. If your 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing
40. Everything on your face stays its original
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about
what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when
you walk into the
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if
the meter reader is
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone
notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your
buddy for hours without
even thinking "He must be mad at me"
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements
to mean your lover is
about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without
starving yourself to look
66. You never have to drive to another gas
station because this one's
just too skeezy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter
what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about
you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could
double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your
talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without
bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship
with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper
imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up"
to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say
you will, he won't tell
your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the
handy phrase "**** it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the
same outfit, you
become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity
because you're not in
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can
bash it with a
and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in
96. You don't have to remember everyone's
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having
great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you
with: "So... notice
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
THEY MAY BE BIG, HEAVY AND OPEN DIFT BUT FALCONS ARE DRIFTABLE, ASK THE COP THAT CONFISCATED IT!