Try these medical funnies for a laugh.
Regards Prof. Rabbit
More Medical Terminology For The Layman
ANTIBODY: against everyone
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
BANDAGES: The Rolling Stones
BARIUM: what you do when CPR fails
BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
BOTULISM: tendency to make mistakes
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
COLIC: a sheep dog
COMA: a punctuation mark
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
D & C: where Washington is
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: not a friend
ENTERITIS: a penchant for burglary
ER: the things on your head that you hear with
FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
G.I. SERIES: baseball games between teams of soldiers
GENES: blue denim slacks
GENITAL: Non- Jewish
GRIPPE: what you do to a suitcase
HANGNAIL: a coat hook
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
HERPES: what women do in the Ladies Room
HORMONES: what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
INPATIENT: tired of waiting
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
MEDICAL STAFF: a doctor's cane
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
MORBID: a higher offer
NITRATE: lower than day rate
NODE: was aware of
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
ORGANIC: church musician
OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PLASTER CAST: the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert
POST-OPERATIVE: a letter carrier
PROTEIN: in favor of young people
RECOVERY ROOM: place to upholster furniture
RECTUM: what happened to the Corvette
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
SALINE: where you go on your boyfriend's boat
SECRETION: hiding anything
SEROLOGY: study of English knighthood
SURGERY: a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply
STERILE SOLUTION: not using the elevator during a fire
TABLET: a small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
TIBIA: country in North Africa
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
TUMOR: an extra pair
URINE: opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE: very close
Medical Mirth Records.
Actual entries from hospital medical records.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, he stands with the help of his wife. They should fall to the floor.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Smith to dispose of him.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
Admitted in error.
Patient was seen in con*****tion by Dr Jones, who felt that we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X- rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.