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marine1 · 09-14-2003, 04:42

Hope this hasn't been posted B4...

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Remember when a player's output could be measured in kicks, marks and
> > handballs? Now, of course, there's statistics on hardball gets, inside
>
> > 50's, handball receives, goal assists and everything else you never
> > needed to know about your favourite player.
> >
> > Unfortunately, the statisticians don't keep a record of the really
> > important stuff. The sorts of things that those of us in the outer
> > take plenty of notice of, but never appear in the official records.
> > Stats like:
> >
> > GFU's (Gifts From Umpires)
> > They'll deny it, but it's a fact that the umpiring fraternity have
> > their favourites. These golden-haired boys get away with murder on a
> > weekly basis. They never get pinged for holding the ball, always get a
>
> > free kick even if they've blatantly ducked into a tackle, and the
> > slightest touch to the shoulder in a marking contest sees them taking
> > a free shot on goal 15 metres out. You can't touch them.
> >
> > Not naming names, but if they kept this statistic, a certain Essendon
> > captain's stat sheet would look a lot like K-20, HB-11, M-8, GFU-9.
> >
> > BWB's (Ball? What Ball?)
> > Byron Pickett is the current league leader in BWB's. These are acts
> > that in no way require use of the ball, intention to win the ball, or
> > even acknowledgement that there's a ball on the field. Previous BWB
> > league-leaders include John Worsfold, David Rhys-Jones and Karl
> > Ditterich.
> >
> > NRF's (No Right Foot)
> > Every time a natural left-footer gains possession of the ball and runs
>
> > around in a huge, seemingly pointless arc, for the express purpose of
> > getting onto his preferred foot, he should rack up an NRF stat. Scott
> > Lucas, come on down.
> >
> > AG's (Arsy Goals)
> > Why should a player be credited for a goal when he was really just
> > trying to centre the ball? And does anyone really believe that David
> > King was genuinely having a shot for goal when he soccered that one
> > through from 50 metres? Thought not.
> >
> > Creating the new stat of Arsy Goals would also have a side-benefit. At
> > season's end, the league could award not only the Coleman Medal, but
> > the Milne Medal as well.
> >
> > DOG's (Delusions Of Grandeur)
> > When a player of limited skill has a complete brainfade and thinks
> > he's Garry Ablett on a good day, bad things happen. Like when Dean
> > Wallis thought he'd magically inherited the evasive skills of Rob
> > Harvey, only to blow the> 'gimmee' Premiership by getting tackled by
> > Fraser Brown.
> >
> > Perhaps the game's greatest living exponent of the DOG was our very
> > own Ron De Iulio. Six players between Ronnie and the goalsquare? Not a
>
> > problem. He'd just try & evade every single one of them!
> >
> > PA's (Petulant Acts)
> > There may be no 'i' in team, but as far as some footballers are
> > concerned, it certainly contains the letters 'me'.
> >
> > On-field petulance can take many forms, such as Mick Martyn's
> > histrionics when some of history's most obvious and warranted free
> > kicks were paid against him. Or Matthew Richardson's dummy-spitting
> > whenever his 'laces-out' edict is ignored.
> >
> > But without a doubt, the most prolific accumulator of PA's in modern
> > football is Nathan Kick It To Me! Kick It To Me!! Buckley.
> > Collingwood-watchers will tell you that Buckley's PA's are way down
> > these last couple of years, and that he's given up on publicly
> > berating those teammates who (in his opinion) aren't quite as
> > talented, hardworking and motivated as he is.
> >
> > Which may indicate a newfound humility born of maturity. Either that,
> > or he's cottoned on to the fact that his team has the uncomfortable
> > knack of winning games without him.
> >
> > WK's (Wet Kleenex's)
> > A relatively new category, pioneered by Collingwood in the immediate
> > aftermath of the 2002 Grand Final. Malthouse cried. Licuria cried. But
>
> > Leon Davis didn't, which is a pity. It would have broken the monotony
> > of all those zero's on his stats sheet.
> >
> > IC's (Incomprehensible Contributions)
> > There's always the player who seems to get a game week in, week out.
> > But no-one can ever figure out exactly why, because they seldom seem
> > to get the ball, or stop anyone in a different-coloured jumper from
> > getting it either. Seeing as he's continually selected based on his
> > 'presence' (read huge bum), but rarely troubles the statisticians in
> > the traditional Kicks, Marks, Handballs department, you'd have to say
> > Craig Biddescombe's IC's would be way up there.
> >
> > FE's (Fake Enthusiasm)
> > I could be horribly wrong here, but when every single goal is
> > celebrated like the kick-after-the-siren-to-win-the-grand-final, I get
>
> > a little suspicious. If they introduced this stat, David King would
> > doubtless have plenty of dots in the FE column to go with his
> > multitude of AG's.
> >
> > ST's (Stuff That's)
> > Even from fifty metres away in the crowd, you can tell when a player
> > can't be bothered chasing. Or when he decides that backing into an
> > oncoming pack may not be the wisest course of action. Scott Cummings
> > take a bow.

FordHawk · 09-14-2003, 16:48

Nice one, all of them very true.

The FE's are definately there...I was watching the replay of the Hawks vs St Kilda match where Hawthorn came from 63 points down back in 1999 (I think)....Well Hawthorn aren't in the finals so leave me alone. When Hawthorn were still a heap of points down Daniel Harford kicked a couple goals and acted as though he had just won a war...sure you can celebrate but you should have seen how he carried on!

This finals series is such a bore without the Hawks

flavze · 09-15-2003, 02:32

The finals were quite interesting up to this weekend, now that the crows are out it's become quite pointless.
Just give the cup to collingwood now, i mean considering Eddie's allready paid for it he might as well have it at his place now.

Beefchief · 09-15-2003, 03:54

I would think Jason Akermanis would be up there in the AG list.
And I would nominate a GFU award for Lloyd. What about the GFU in the goal square AFTER he kicked that damn goal!

FordHawk · 09-15-2003, 17:25

Or how about Glenn Archer for a GFU, when Everitt grabbed him in the goal square after Archer made contact with Everitt's face....and the free kick goes to Mr Archer.