Join Date: May 2003
Location: Giving the finger to speedcams
Oh Crap, they found me!!
Though traditionally known for his "friendly" nature, Casper, the once-amiable ghost that has lovingly haunted us for decades, is wanted by the Federal Bureau of Investigation for the "brutal murder" of a Connecticut family of five, according to a statement released today by FBI Assistant Director Dan Kowsen.
"Casper Ghost is the lead suspect in the murder of the Panning family, and has reached number one on our Top Ten Most Wanted list," he said. "Any sightings of him should be reportedly immediately."
Casper had been living with the Pannings since November of last year, according to neighbours such as Jim Bohr, and had never demonstrated any tendency towards violent behaviour.
"Every time I was over there, he was always making dinner more fun by floating plates in the air, or trying to eat bits of solid matter that would just inevitably end up plopping on the floor, on account of him being composed of ectoplasm," Bohr told us. "Little did I know that one day, one of those dinner plates he was always playing with would end up lodged in Mrs. Panning's jugular."
But despite his prior friendliness towards the Panning family -- and indeed, many other families in the past -- the FBI are "almost 100% certain" that Casper is responsible for the murders.
"The very nature of some of the deaths is indicative of feats that only a ghost could accomplish," Kowsen explained. "Mr. Panning, for example, was found lying facedown in the living room, having sustained injuries that suggested he fell from roughly the height of the unusually high living room ceiling. Unless a human being dropped him from that same distance elsewhere and then planted him in the house, one can only conclude that he was picked up, levitated near the ceiling, and then flung to the ground."
Other murder-related clues include young Jan Panning's bones being removed from her body and strewn about her bedroom, and her brother Dan's blood being completely drained from his body and dripped on the floor to read "Casper Will **** You Up".
In addition to the obvious brutality of the murders, Casper is also ranked highly on the FBI's Most Wanted List due to his supernatural abilities.
"We're looking at a killer who can fly, pass through walls, assume other forms, and possess people," Kowsen said gravely. "I could be Casper right now, and none of you would know it."
Seeing uneasy looks exchanged by the press, he added hastily, "I'm not, though. But I could be."
The FBI is encouraging parents to inform their children about Casper, and tell them that they should be especially aware at night, when the ghost could fly through the walls of their bedrooms and kill them before their parents knew it.
"I told my Tommy, you watch out for any pale, ghostlike figure," local mother Rita Wilson said. "He beat that albino boy in his class within an inch of his life the next day, but that's something we're just going to have to live with in this new day and age of ghost attacks."
A special task-force known as the "Ghostbusters" is being deployed to help ensure the capture of the ghost, but even Egon, a member of the force, seemed apprehensive about the ease of the task at hand.
"I keep telling you people, Ghostbusters was a movie!" Egon -- or "Bill Murray", as he seemed to prefer to be called -- screamed. "And I didn't even play Egon!"