Yeeeaaah, you may have seen this in an email, but it made me laugh.
Proud to be Australian
We, the people of the broad brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a
free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional coon.
We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New
Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we
reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We
are one nation but we're divided into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
chief marketing pitch is that it is "liveable". At least that's what
they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital
Sydney has more sporting stars than any other city in the world and is
proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up
their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family
who bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra
chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest
faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the
Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent red wines, a festival of
foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation -
where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels
as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They
had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the boring views of Adelaide sent
the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this
document. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving
because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way
to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of
them still work there in the government and business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Uluru and
dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
content of anywhere too (most of it with VB
written on it). Although the
Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live
there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland - supposedly God's country. While any mention of
God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics,
it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it
with dickheads remains a mystery.
Oh yes, and there's Canberra. The nation's capital. The least said the
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose
treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by
We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate
for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials
tells us that Sydney is better than Beijing.
We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party (albeit a
redneck gun-toting one) can get a million votes and still not win one
seat in Federal Parliament while Brian Bloody Harradine can get 24,000
votes and control the whole country. Not that we're whingeing, we leave
that to our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem
(so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a
sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath. And
we're the best in the world at all the sports that count like cricket,
netball, rugby league, rugby union, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse
We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest
aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.
We don't know much about art but we know that we hate the poofs who make
We shoot, we vote, we are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even
though we might seem racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little
people, at least we're better than the Kiwis!!!