Qantas Flight Humor
From Qantas Airlines flights...
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
> "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
> Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
> On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
> said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
> turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
> appearance of your flight attendants."
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
> leave the aircraft."
> "Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
> as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
> flight attendant announced: take care when opening the overhead
> compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as **** everything
> has shifted."
> From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
> operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
> tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
> how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
> you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
> assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small
> child, pick your favourite.
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
> area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
> children... or other adults acting like children."
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
> attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is pleased
> to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
> none of them are on this flight."
> Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The
> flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
> and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
> attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
> Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy
> day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight
> it.. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
> and Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your
> seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to
> the gate!"
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
> you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
> ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
> the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
> and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his
> bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
> thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got
> off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
> mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is
> it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
> After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
> and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
> gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
> wreckage to the terminal."
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
> folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
> to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope
> you'll think of Qantas."
> A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable
> cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
> intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
> Flight Number xyz, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is
> good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
> back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes,
> the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I
> am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight
> attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
> You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said,
> "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Marcos Ambrose - 2003 V8 Supercar CHAMPION
This could be the start of something big