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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-19-03, 05:08 PM Thread Starter
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biggrin Qantas Flight Humor

From Qantas Airlines flights...
> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
> "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
> Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
> On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
> said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
> turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
> appearance of your flight attendants."
> "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
> leave the aircraft."
> "Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
> as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
> flight attendant announced: take care when opening the overhead
> compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as **** everything
> has shifted."
> From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
> operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
> tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
> how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
> the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
> you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
> assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small
> child, pick your favourite.
> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
> "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
> compliments."
> "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
> area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
> children... or other adults acting like children."
> "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
> attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
> And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is pleased
> to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
> none of them are on this flight."
> Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The
> flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
> and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
> airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
> attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
> Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy
> day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight
> it.. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies
> and Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your
> seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to
> the gate!"
> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
> you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
> terminal."
> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
> ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
> the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
> and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his
> bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
> thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got
> off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
> mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is
> it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
> After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on
> with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
> and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
> gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
> wreckage to the terminal."
> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
> folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
> to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope
> you'll think of Qantas."
> A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable
> cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
> intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
> Flight Number xyz, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is
> good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
> back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes,
> the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I
> am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight
> attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
> You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said,
> "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-19-03, 07:13 PM
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BLOODY HELL KEN, LMAO!!!! Struggling to type thru tears in eyes BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

..........Black MY02 WRX..........

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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-19-03, 07:16 PM
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All classic's..........

SOMETIMES........I wake up "grumpy",

But I usually let HER sleep.........
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-19-03, 07:24 PM
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HAHAHAHA, love the last one!
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-19-03, 07:44 PM
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LMAO!!! Bewties!

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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-19-03, 09:28 PM
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LMAO !!!!!

Everyone in the office is pissing themselves over this
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-19-03, 09:51 PM
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All Qantas eh? I was on a Virgin Blue flight, and one attendant turned his entire speech into a comedic routine that had the whole plane in stitches. I can't remember the entire thing, but he started by apolagising, informing us that the three females attendants weren't the usual quality attendants normally found on a Virgin Blue flight, but were actually ex-cons from the local women's prison. The light and whistle on the life vest could be used to 'attract sharks'. The whole speech, which I've seen other Virgin attendants read word for word from their manual, was dotted with similar alterations. In all my time flying, it had the be the funniest way to start a flight I'd ever had.

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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-20-03, 12:01 AM
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That is good.... where on earth did you get such quality stuff from?
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-20-03, 12:03 AM Thread Starter
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Just part of the stuff that I get emailed.

And I only post the quality stuff. No point in putting dribble up. (Other then my dribble!)

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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 05-20-03, 02:14 AM
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U r a bunny fastard Ken !! Love it !

'' The Mad Blanket Waver " ... ¼ please
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