Ford Appreciation Society
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: ACT and loving it!
The Real Truth about Our Tools
Someone sent me this the other day...
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seatcovers and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheels.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads and crimp new wire ends in place.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY/ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch....."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car after you have installed your new headers, smashing the tool box tray between the front tire and the ground.
PHONE: Tool for calling your local parts dealer to see if he has any neat new tools.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool forspreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your shoe.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth straps and oil pipes you have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without a handle on the other.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: Used to burn carpet and upholstery when left briefly unattended. Will also scare the shit out of you as the radiator fluid unexpectedly sprays on it and the bulb explodes. The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used to round out the heads of British Posidrive screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Michigan, and breaks them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to save a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
POP RIVET TOOL: Device used to scratch the new paint of the trim clip you are trying to reattach, after the stud breaks free.
FLOOR CREEPER: Used to hide the fasteners and sockets you drop as you install that hard to reach item under your car. Also reminds you of that haircut you have been putting off as the wheels catch your hair.
'67 Mustang V8 4sp... what fun to drive!