SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm getting Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he let's out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for a "small", $6,500 for a "medium", and $14,000 for a "large". The man was sure he would want a medium or a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and
fund the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'. "
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'."
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 93 year old husband in bed with another woman. She become violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment.. killing him instantly. Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your Honor, I figured that at 93, if he could have sex, he could fly."
Every day above ground is a good day