Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean beef.
Q: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
A: They're making headlines.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs having sex?
A: Still no ****ing eye deer.
Q: What did sushi A say to sushi B?
Q: What happens when a cow jumps over a fence but doesn't quite make it over?
A: Utter destruction.
Two cows are standing together in a field. One asks the other,
"So what do you think about this Mad Cow Diesease?"
The other replies, "That doesn't concern me. I'm a helicopter."
Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.
HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.
WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.
HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Jerry Bruckheimer decides to make an action movie based on the lives of classical musicians (work with me here). So he's auditioning several action stars and asking them which roles they'd like to play. Jerry asks Bruce Willis, and Bruce says, "I've always admired Vivaldi, can I play him?" and Jerry's like, "Sure." Then Jerry asks Sly Stallone who he'd like to play and Sly's like, "Yo, how 'bout Motzart?" and Jerry's like, "Ok, I think we can make that work." So then Jerry asks Arnold Schwartzenegger who he wants to play and Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
There was a big break in at the Louvre Museum in Paris, but the thieves were captured because their get-away vehicle, a van, couldn't get going before the police arrived. The police captain asked the head of the criminal band what was wrong with their get-away van and the thief replies, "We did not have enought Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh."
This joke takes place back when white men were kicking Native Americans out of their homeland. The strongest and bravest chief, Chief Bowels, was being forced off his land by European settlers. So he went to his local witchdoctor for advice.
"What's the problem, Chief Bowels?" asked the witch doctor.
"Bowels no move" replied the chief. The witch doctor nodded in agreement, gave bowels some medicinal herbs, and sent him on his way.
The next day, Chief Bowels returns to the witch doctor. "Bowels NO MOVE" he proclaims! The doctor agrees with him, and gives him more medicine.
The third day, the chief visits once again: "Bowels move. Bowels have to move. Teepee full of crap."