Some jokes .
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to Britain from the South Atlantic island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given 2 pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.
We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The tip of me dick to me balls, sahr!" General: "That's a strange request, but drop your trousers, son! As the general begins the measurement: "My god, son, where are your balls?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
A little lad comes home from school and tells her dad she wants to send a Valentines card to someone.
Who to asks her dad?
Osama Bin Laden she replies.
Why him asks dad confused?
Well I thought that if we sent him love ,perhaps he would learn love she replies.
Then he would know that not all in the west are horrid she says and he would learn to trust us.
Then he might want to give love and come back into civilised society.
At this dad is overwhelmed with pride for his daughter.
Then she continues when he comes out to the world, the Marines could blow the friggin shit out of him
A Para doing a tour of duty in Afghanistan notices that one of the local customs under Taliban rule is that women are required to walk ten paces behind the men.
Returning a year later he notices that they now walk ten paces in front.
He asks his C/O if the coalition has had an effect and brought about this astounding break through?
No he replies shaking his head, Land Mines.
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool (England) couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they
weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor
And told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative
was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
'1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand......