some jokes - Ford Forums - Mustang Forum, Ford Trucks, Ford Focus and Ford Cars

FordLover · 06-04-2004, 08:59

An old drunk walks in...
3 young blokes having a beer in a pub...an old drunk walks in...walks up to one of the young guys and says...your mum is the best lay in town....the young guy starts to stand up...then changes his mind and goes back to drinking..the old bloke ...walks off...10 minutes later the old bloke is back again...points to the same young guy and says.....your mother has the tightest p***y in this town....young bloke starts to get up.....then he sits back down and the old bloke walks off.....10 minutes later the old bloke is back and staggering....he says....to the same young guy....your mother loves it up the a** and is the hottest root for miles....the same bloke gets up and is really annoyed...and says...for gods sake dad....go home.

Up in the air
A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. ''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the a** off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle. A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''

The chicken and the egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".
The dairy farmer
A farmer buys a brand new milking machine, He opens the box, discards the instructions,then out of curiosity places the milker on his penis. After a few short moments he has an amazing orgasm. Breathless he recovers and attempts to remove the machine from his dick only to find that it was stuck. Frantically he resorts to reading the instruction manual. He faints. Manual reads "Auto Release after 2 litres"

Boarding Call
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.

Not tonight honey..
A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife. He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water." She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!" He replied, "Thank God!"

Birdie
A man told his fiance that he was a golfer through and through..every sat,sunday and all public holidays he would be on the golf course. His fiance said ok, fair enough. I have something to tell you. I am a hooker. He said no problem..stand upright, use an over hand grip and keep your on eye on the ball. That should get rid of it.

No Cure
A man walks out of a car totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. she takes one look at him and says "you sir are drunk!" and the man replies "you mam are ugly, but when i wake up i'll be sober!"

Pursuit_chick · 06-04-2004, 09:11

lmao, gold!

phibz · 06-04-2004, 17:24

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 &your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.

The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep.

That's why I'm late!"

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"

fordel · 06-04-2004, 17:37

PSML they are all great :)

Chris

mad_ea_spac · 06-04-2004, 18:37

yeah what pissers :s6:
i like that 1st one

haha

Devil_Racer · 06-04-2004, 18:52

hehe @ little patrick

Back In Black · 06-04-2004, 21:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by FordLover

No Cure
A man walks out of a car totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. she takes one look at him and says "you sir are drunk!" and the man replies "you mam are ugly, but when i wake up i'll be sober!"

This one really happened - it was Wisnton Churchill saying it too!

How about this one?

A Baby seal walks into a club...