A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping - Ford Forums - Mustang Forum, Ford Trucks, Ford Focus and Ford Cars
Ford Forum Ford Forum

» Auto Insurance
» Featured Product
Ā» Wheel & Tire Center

Go Back   Ford Forums - Mustang Forum, Ford Trucks, Ford Focus and Ford Cars > Fordforums Community > The Pub
Register Home Forum Active Topics Photo Gallery Auto Loans Garage Mark Forums Read Auto EscrowInsurance

The Pub For General Discussion

FordForums.com is the premier Ford Forum on the internet. Registered Users do not see the above ads.
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-23-2003, 20:03   #1 (permalink)
***** Idiot....
 
LunaticSVT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: The Sticks of Central TX
Posts: 10,561
A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping

Sure pooping might seem like a interruption in your day, or a big waste of time. But a more in depth look is necessary to truly appreciate the gift that God has given.

First we must start with your eating habits. If you really want to be in command of your bowel movements then you must eat at the same time everyday. When I go for a week of eating breakfast at 8:00 Lunch at 12:00 and dinner at 6:00, you could set a clock to my craps. Usually every day right after lunch I would move on to the crapper. Your special time may be different, but if eating times are the same you will become REGULAR.

Secondly, you must be comfortable while you are pooping. If you have to crap and you are at someone's house where you won't feel comfortable taking a dump, get out of there fast!! Go to a public restroom, or often times I will just go home. Home should be the place that you have your best most relaxing poops. If this is not the case then you really need to diagnose what the problem is. It could be one of those new crappy water saver toilets. Or maybe the leg room is not what it should be in the bathroom. Whatever the reason, you need to make it right if you are not comfortable in your own house.

Next, when you feel like you have to poop, don't wait around watching TV or driving. Your body is trying to tell you something. "I have to poop!" Be gentle on your colon and go as soon as possible.

Okay now, your eating right, your not making your body wait to go poop, you've found a comfortable bathroom, lets talk posture! I myself strip down naked if at all possible when I poop. That includes socks, shoes t-shirt, the works. It helps me feel comfortable and gives me the freedom to stretch my legs far apart while sitting on the throne. In a public restroom maybe I just take my shoe off and my leg out of my pants for almost the same effect. Also please take something to read or look at while you crapping. It's not a race and its hard on your body to push it out as fast as you can. Especially if your at work, remember they are paying you to crap. Take your time and relax. Think about a funny movie or TV show you like.

This section only pertains to poops that are rock hard and it can be skipped if this never happens to you.

So, you didn't eat right, or your sick, or you didn't drink enough water. Whatever the case may be you've landed yourself a real brick of a terd. My first advice is "DON'T PANIC". Sometimes if given a little time your body will just push it out on its own. I am talking maybe 10 minutes here. If it is still lodged after 10 minutes start with some gentle pushing. On for 5 seconds then off for 10 seconds. Give that about 2 minutes of work before moving on. Next step. If you've made it this far, don't be scared I can still talk you through it. Now is the time for some more intense pushing. Not hard enough to give yourself a hemorrhoid, but just enough to show this terd you mean business. It may be necessary to put your hands on the lid and lift your body up, then slam your body down and try to utilize gravity in your favor. If this doesn't work, don't worry I've been there before. Now try rocking back and forth on the seat. Bring your head down between your knees and then back up so your back is parallel with the tank, or wall. It's time to try and break this log off if possible. Lets do a quick review, you've tried gentle pushing, you've tried the waiting game, you've done the off and on pushing, you've done some more extreme pushing, you've done your mini hops on the lid and your rocking. Now it is time to get serious. Keep in mind that this is a last resort and I have only had to do this once or twice in my lifetime. Slowly lift your bottom off the toilet seat. After you have raised up above the lid take your two hands and push your butt cheeks together and try to pinch the terd off. This might get messy, but it will get the job done. Make sure you have a healthy supply of TP or preferably jump right in the shower after you get done.

Lastly, take time and do a proper wiping job. You will be paying for it all day if you don't. I am talking about chaffing and/or dingle berries here. Good luck.

In closing, pooping is not a chore. It is a time to relax, reflect and enjoy.
LunaticSVT is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-23-2003, 20:08   #2 (permalink)
i pity tha fool
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Gosnells, Perth
Age: 31
Posts: 1,040
Re: A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping

that's crap.
__________________
-Jamie's Gallery-

Previous ride: EBII V8 Manual Ghia spring roll.
Current ride: 1970 ZC 351 Fairlane Custom.. (estimated 350ftlb @ 2000rpm.. max torque 420ftlb at 4500rpm.. with standard exhaust manifold!)
jmartion is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2003, 20:17   #3 (permalink)
i pity tha fool
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Gosnells, Perth
Age: 31
Posts: 1,040
Re: A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping

hehe
__________________
-Jamie's Gallery-

Previous ride: EBII V8 Manual Ghia spring roll.
Current ride: 1970 ZC 351 Fairlane Custom.. (estimated 350ftlb @ 2000rpm.. max torque 420ftlb at 4500rpm.. with standard exhaust manifold!)
jmartion is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2003, 20:24   #4 (permalink)
We Love Greb Murpy
 
ford.boy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: God's Country (Penrith)
Age: 27
Posts: 3,022
Re: A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping

I hope... To high heavens that you didn't actually type that out. Or worse, think it up.
__________________
"When I joined the marines all they gave us was two sticks and a rock! And we had to share the rock between the whole platoon!"
-----------
H2 pwnz j00 foo.
ford.boy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2003, 20:44   #5 (permalink)
Mmm, high pressure wash.
 
3Toed's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Sydney, Australia
Age: 39
Posts: 3,086
Re: A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping

All I have to say is a good poop is one where the seat doesn't survive the ordeal! :s6: Hence why I now have my own Travel Pack™.

__________________
Slothmobileā„¢ n. (slŨthmŨbÄ“l)
Off-white EL Series II Falcon GLi Sapphire (4.0L Slothmaticā„¢) with K&N Filtercharger, Tickford Sports Suspension, DBA Longlife Gold (front), DBA Longlife Slotted (rear) and Bendix Ultimates all round. Driven by The Slothmanā„¢.

Co-Founding Member of 3FB Inc, or the Ford Forums Food Bandits, where cruising, eating and talking shite is what it's all about. Click here to visit the official (albeit slightly outdated) website!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Team GT Media
We love having 3FB Inc guys around!

Last edited by 3Toed; 12-23-2003 at 20:46.
3Toed is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2003, 21:56   #6 (permalink)
Faster than Zyrtec
 
dave_au's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Sydney.
Age: 31
Posts: 2,105
Re: A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping

Im hoping that lunatic found that off an email and isn't talking from "personal experience"
dave_au is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2003, 23:50   #7 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Timmeh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Newcastle, NSW
Age: 33
Posts: 2,922
Re: A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping

ROFL @ both John's original post and 3Toed's reply....



Too funny... cheers..... Tim!
__________________
EUR04D - Ford Focus
The Blue Flame

Mk II Escort RS2000
How much boost?


www.eurofordclub.com
Thanks for 2004, crew.
Timmeh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2003, 03:20   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Geelong
Age: 32
Posts: 114
Re: A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping

So we have the "Art of Pooping", but have we had the "Different Styles of Poop"??. My personal favourite is the Mystery Poop. You know you had one, but where's it gone?? I know i did it, but it's not there!! Where did it go?? One of life's little mysteries.
__________________
There's SuperNintendo Chalmers!!

Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office.

So, do you like.... stuff??

MODS : 2.5" exhaust, K&N Air Filter, 16mm Whiteline rear sway bar, 65mm TB
ninety_sixer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2003, 03:33   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Geelong
Age: 32
Posts: 114
Re: A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping

http://www.gastroscout.com/woc/craptype.cfm

Enjoy. I was laughing before i got to No. 10
__________________
There's SuperNintendo Chalmers!!

Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office.

So, do you like.... stuff??

MODS : 2.5" exhaust, K&N Air Filter, 16mm Whiteline rear sway bar, 65mm TB
ninety_sixer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2003, 04:46   #10 (permalink)
Another Ford Driver
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Kinda near Canberra
Age: 28
Posts: 211
Re: A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping

lol, hahaha, oh man this sh1t is f*^&ed up. ROFL at everything!
pandaman is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

  Ford Forums - Mustang Forum, Ford Trucks, Ford Focus and Ford Cars > Fordforums Community > The Pub



Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How to install a Head Unit *Properly* Small tutorial 1LOWEA Audio And Security 3 12-28-2003 04:35
Step Into Uncharted Territory RPO83 Territory 18 10-18-2003 14:59
Photoshop Tutorial I_wanna_XA PhotoShop Forum 4 10-03-2003 21:59
U.S.:Ford says Reichardt to step down as vice chairman Stacy94PGT Ford Worldwide News 1 06-17-2003 07:00

Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.2.2

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 15:31.



Powered by vBulletin® Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0
Garage Plus vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.