Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: The Sticks of Central TX
A step by step tutorial on getting the most out of Pooping
Sure pooping might seem like a interruption in your day, or a big waste of time. But a more in depth look is necessary to truly appreciate the gift that God has given.
First we must start with your eating habits. If you really want to be in command of your bowel movements then you must eat at the same time everyday. When I go for a week of eating breakfast at 8:00 Lunch at 12:00 and dinner at 6:00, you could set a clock to my craps. Usually every day right after lunch I would move on to the crapper. Your special time may be different, but if eating times are the same you will become REGULAR.
Secondly, you must be comfortable while you are pooping. If you have to crap and you are at someone's house where you won't feel comfortable taking a dump, get out of there fast!! Go to a public restroom, or often times I will just go home. Home should be the place that you have your best most relaxing poops. If this is not the case then you really need to diagnose what the problem is. It could be one of those new crappy water saver toilets. Or maybe the leg room is not what it should be in the bathroom. Whatever the reason, you need to make it right if you are not comfortable in your own house.
Next, when you feel like you have to poop, don't wait around watching TV or driving. Your body is trying to tell you something. "I have to poop!" Be gentle on your colon and go as soon as possible.
Okay now, your eating right, your not making your body wait to go poop, you've found a comfortable bathroom, lets talk posture! I myself strip down naked if at all possible when I poop. That includes socks, shoes t-shirt, the works. It helps me feel comfortable and gives me the freedom to stretch my legs far apart while sitting on the throne. In a public restroom maybe I just take my shoe off and my leg out of my pants for almost the same effect. Also please take something to read or look at while you crapping. It's not a race and its hard on your body to push it out as fast as you can. Especially if your at work, remember they are paying you to crap. Take your time and relax. Think about a funny movie or TV show you like.
This section only pertains to poops that are rock hard and it can be skipped if this never happens to you.
So, you didn't eat right, or your sick, or you didn't drink enough water. Whatever the case may be you've landed yourself a real brick of a terd. My first advice is "DON'T PANIC". Sometimes if given a little time your body will just push it out on its own. I am talking maybe 10 minutes here. If it is still lodged after 10 minutes start with some gentle pushing. On for 5 seconds then off for 10 seconds. Give that about 2 minutes of work before moving on. Next step. If you've made it this far, don't be scared I can still talk you through it. Now is the time for some more intense pushing. Not hard enough to give yourself a hemorrhoid, but just enough to show this terd you mean business. It may be necessary to put your hands on the lid and lift your body up, then slam your body down and try to utilize gravity in your favor. If this doesn't work, don't worry I've been there before. Now try rocking back and forth on the seat. Bring your head down between your knees and then back up so your back is parallel with the tank, or wall. It's time to try and break this log off if possible. Lets do a quick review, you've tried gentle pushing, you've tried the waiting game, you've done the off and on pushing, you've done some more extreme pushing, you've done your mini hops on the lid and your rocking. Now it is time to get serious. Keep in mind that this is a last resort and I have only had to do this once or twice in my lifetime. Slowly lift your bottom off the toilet seat. After you have raised up above the lid take your two hands and push your butt cheeks together and try to pinch the terd off. This might get messy, but it will get the job done. Make sure you have a healthy supply of TP or preferably jump right in the shower after you get done.
Lastly, take time and do a proper wiping job. You will be paying for it all day if you don't. I am talking about chaffing and/or dingle berries here. Good luck.
In closing, pooping is not a chore. It is a time to relax, reflect and enjoy.