Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
>RULE #1...If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering
>a package, because you're surely not picking anything up.
>RULE #2...You do not touch my daughter in front of me.You may glance at
>so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
>your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.
>RULE #3...I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
>to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
>hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends
>are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
>issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your
>underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
>However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
>during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
>nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
>RULE #4...I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
>utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
>when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
>RULE #5...In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
>sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The
>only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to
>have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you
>on this subject is "early."
>RULE #6...I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
>to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
>daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
>continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make
>her cry, I will make you cry.
>RULE #7...As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
>appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want
>to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
>putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the
>Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
>something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
>RULE #8...The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
>daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a
>wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
>eyesight. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
>where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
>shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
>sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
>strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided: movies which features
>chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
>RULE #9...Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
>middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
>the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
>going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
>truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
>behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
>RULE #10...Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
>the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
>paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices
>my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
>daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your
>car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
>in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and
>early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
>The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
HSV Herpes Simplex Virus