todays joke of the day *hope its not a oldy* - Ford Forums - Mustang Forum, Ford Trucks, Ford Focus and Ford Cars
Ford Forum Ford Forum

» Auto Insurance
» Featured Product
» Wheel & Tire Center

Go Back   Ford Forums - Mustang Forum, Ford Trucks, Ford Focus and Ford Cars > Fordforums Community > The Pub
Register Home Forum Active Topics Photo Gallery Auto Loans Garage Mark Forums Read Auto Escrow

The Pub For General Discussion

FordForums.com is the premier Ford Forum on the internet. Registered Users do not see the above ads.
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-14-2004, 00:17   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
hoon69's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,650
todays jokes of the day *scroll down page*

LITTLE Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle for his birthday. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day, Dad saw Johnny on the front veranda with a suitcase. "Son, where are you going?" he asked.
Little Johnny said, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mum you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be ****ed if I'm hanging around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transport."
__________________
cars are a lethal weapon,your not invinsible when you get into one,and no matter how much skill you think you have,you are never in control you are always on the edge of death it may not happen today but if you keep driving like you do,you too will end up dead!
hoon69 is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-14-2004, 00:20   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Perana XR8's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,492
Re: todays joke of the day *hope its not a oldy*



Heard it before but still a goodie
__________________
Ben
Perana XR8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2004, 00:22   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
hoon69's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,650
Re: todays joke of the day *hope its not a oldy*

this one not for the fate hearted:



IT WAS closing time at the country pub. The local cop noticed two motorbikes still parked out the front. He walked around the back of the hotel and found the two bikies there, one with his pants and the other with his finger up his friend's bum. "What's going on?" asked the copper.
"Oh, my mate's had too much too drink and I'm trying to make him sick," said the fingerer.
"Well, you don't stick your finger there - you put it down his throat," observed the cop.
"Yeah," agreed the bikie. "I'm just about to."
__________________
cars are a lethal weapon,your not invinsible when you get into one,and no matter how much skill you think you have,you are never in control you are always on the edge of death it may not happen today but if you keep driving like you do,you too will end up dead!
hoon69 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2004, 00:30   #4 (permalink)
Veteran Ford Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Dazed And Confused...
Age: 33
Posts: 3,143
Re: todays joke of the day *hope its not a oldy*

Haha that second one is pretty good.
BlueAU is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2004, 01:05   #5 (permalink)
E-series mutantette
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Soon to be Adelaide!
Age: 28
Posts: 1,890
Re: todays joke of the day *hope its not a oldy*

lol
__________________
'93 ED GLi Falcon
White, auto, performance 16's,
Pioneer DEH-P4650 MP3 H/U, Pioneer 6's.
Sub on the way!
Future mods: Speed Holes!
Pursuit_chick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2004, 01:06   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
hoon69's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,650
Re: todays joke of the day *hope its not a oldy*

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few liters of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.
__________________
cars are a lethal weapon,your not invinsible when you get into one,and no matter how much skill you think you have,you are never in control you are always on the edge of death it may not happen today but if you keep driving like you do,you too will end up dead!
hoon69 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2004, 01:16   #7 (permalink)
Proud Aussie Girl!
 
LuvinmyEB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Australia
Age: 34
Posts: 570
Re: todays joke of the day *hope its not a oldy*

I think the second one was the funniest I've seen in a while.
LuvinmyEB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2004, 01:20   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
hoon69's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,650
Re: todays joke of the day *hope its not a oldy*

In the wee hours of the morning three Irish robbers meet and embark on their plans to get rich. Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately. The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.

The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the robbers found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. "Well," said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat." They opened up the second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not one dollar, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found.

Instead, all the safes contained containers of pudding. Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Dublin newspaper headline read: "IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..."
__________________
cars are a lethal weapon,your not invinsible when you get into one,and no matter how much skill you think you have,you are never in control you are always on the edge of death it may not happen today but if you keep driving like you do,you too will end up dead!
hoon69 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2004, 01:42   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
hoon69's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,650
Re: todays joke of the day *hope its not a oldy*

You Know You're A Wog..







YOU KNOW YOU ARE A WOG WHEN...................

1. You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

2. You carry your lunch in a Weston Produce bag because you can't fit 2 falafel chicken sandwiches, 4 oranges, 3 bananas, a jar of olives, a loaf of bread and a kebab into a regular paper lunch bag.

3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monaro/Kingswood.

4. Your mother owns 3 houses, has $400,000 in the bank but still believes she's entitled to the pension.

5. You share one bathroom with your 5 brothers and 7 sisters, have no money, but drive a $75,000 Club Sport.

6. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all related somehow.

7. You consider dunking a pack of Teddy Bear bikkies in coffee a nutritious breakfast.

8. There are at least 30 pairs of slippers in your front hall closet.

9. You live in a 9 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens.

10. You have a $6,000 sound system in your XD Falcon.

11. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

12. You own a tape that has Stevie B, Pearl Jam, and Ricki Martin on the same side.

13. You find it necessary to carry a MOBILE despite the fact that you are a part-time check out chick at Franklins.

14. You have a member card saying V. I. P at more than 3 dance clubs.

15. A favourite summer activity for you and your friends is sitting on the bonnet of your car blaring some gangsta rap outside macca's.

16. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top to The Metro.

17. At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

18. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

19. A high school diploma and 1 year of TAFE College has earned you the title of Professor.

20. You have at least one relative named Mohamed, George, Giovanni or Ahmed.

21. The meat you eat is usually a former pet.

22. It takes 4 disposable blades to shave each side of your face (and that's both for a guy or a girl).

23. If someone in your family grows beyond 5 ft 6 it is presumed your mother had an affair.

24. At some point in your life, you were a D. J. or mowed the lawns at your uncle's.

25. 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "khallo" when answering the phone.

26. You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 9 courses despite the fact that you don't eat half of it.

27. You ask how much for cash when buying something from Grace Bros.

28. You are not materialistic but insist a $500 wedding present is nothing.

29. You think having a concrete backyard is nice.

30. You actually believe everyone eats those sugared almonds in the bonbonniere at your wedding.

31. You always have a friend who 'owes you a favour'.

32. You wore skin tight Lycra (?) pants; white high heels and leopard skin print crop tops LONG before Fran Drescher appeared in "The Nanny".
__________________
cars are a lethal weapon,your not invinsible when you get into one,and no matter how much skill you think you have,you are never in control you are always on the edge of death it may not happen today but if you keep driving like you do,you too will end up dead!
hoon69 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2004, 01:55   #10 (permalink)
SBR Supporter
 
Steffo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sydney, NSW, Australia
Posts: 1,926
Re: todays joke of the day *hope its not a oldy*

Quote:
Originally Posted by hoon69
You Know You're A Wog..







YOU KNOW YOU ARE A WOG WHEN...................

1. You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

2. You carry your lunch in a Weston Produce bag because you can't fit 2 falafel chicken sandwiches, 4 oranges, 3 bananas, a jar of olives, a loaf of bread and a kebab into a regular paper lunch bag.

3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monaro/Kingswood.

4. Your mother owns 3 houses, has $400,000 in the bank but still believes she's entitled to the pension.

5. You share one bathroom with your 5 brothers and 7 sisters, have no money, but drive a $75,000 Club Sport.

6. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all related somehow.

7. You consider dunking a pack of Teddy Bear bikkies in coffee a nutritious breakfast.

8. There are at least 30 pairs of slippers in your front hall closet.

9. You live in a 9 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens.

10. You have a $6,000 sound system in your XD Falcon.

11. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

12. You own a tape that has Stevie B, Pearl Jam, and Ricki Martin on the same side.

13. You find it necessary to carry a MOBILE despite the fact that you are a part-time check out chick at Franklins.

14. You have a member card saying V. I. P at more than 3 dance clubs.

15. A favourite summer activity for you and your friends is sitting on the bonnet of your car blaring some gangsta rap outside macca's.

16. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top to The Metro.

17. At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

18. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

19. A high school diploma and 1 year of TAFE College has earned you the title of Professor.

20. You have at least one relative named Mohamed, George, Giovanni or Ahmed.

21. The meat you eat is usually a former pet.

22. It takes 4 disposable blades to shave each side of your face (and that's both for a guy or a girl).

23. If someone in your family grows beyond 5 ft 6 it is presumed your mother had an affair.

24. At some point in your life, you were a D. J. or mowed the lawns at your uncle's.

25. 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "khallo" when answering the phone.

26. You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 9 courses despite the fact that you don't eat half of it.

27. You ask how much for cash when buying something from Grace Bros.

28. You are not materialistic but insist a $500 wedding present is nothing.

29. You think having a concrete backyard is nice.

30. You actually believe everyone eats those sugared almonds in the bonbonniere at your wedding.

31. You always have a friend who 'owes you a favour'.

32. You wore skin tight Lycra (?) pants; white high heels and leopard skin print crop tops LONG before Fran Drescher appeared in "The Nanny".


I can relate to some of that!
__________________
Steffo is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

  Ford Forums - Mustang Forum, Ford Trucks, Ford Focus and Ford Cars > Fordforums Community > The Pub



Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Todays Blonde Joke 6/8/04 Gunns The Pub 9 08-06-2004 17:50
Today's Blonde Joke... JR The Pub 8 08-05-2004 17:43
Todays joke... XR8chic The Pub 0 02-12-2002 16:32
The world's funniest joke? Falchoon The Pub 4 12-20-2001 02:25

Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.2.2

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 13:20.



Powered by vBulletin® Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Relevant URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0
Garage Plus vBulletin Plugins by Drive Thru Online, Inc.