Warped but funny 21stC statements
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?"
She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
14. How come they choose from just two people to run for US president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't now where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl-Alt-Delete' nd start all over?
25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.
26. My wife says I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
27. Just remember.... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever?