Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Perth, West Australia
Why english is so hard to learn…
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the row of oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to tests on the subject.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet at
all, are meat. Quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Sometimes,
I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for
the verbally insane. What other reason could there be for saying that
people recite at a play and play at a recital? Or, ship cargo by truck
and send cargo by ship? Or, have noses that run and feet that smell? How
can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy be opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? You
have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by
people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race
which, of course, isn't a race at all. That is why, when the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of her negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would
be known as 'Euro English'.
In the first year 'S' will replace the soft 'C'. Sertainly, this
will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'C' will be replaced
with the 'K'. This should klear up Konfusion and keyboards kan have
one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome 'PH' will be replaced with 'F'. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptance of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Government will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always been a deterant to akurate speling. Also, al wil
agre that the horible mes of the silent 'e' in the language is
disgrasful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'TH'
with 'Z' and 'W' with 'V'. During ze fifz yar, ze uneseary 'O' kan be
dropd from vords kontaining 'OU' and similar changs vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yar, ve vi hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!