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Old 12-16-2002, 11:45   #1 (permalink)
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What if Santa answered his letters honestly?!?!?

Ever wondered what Santa would write back to all the little kiddies if he wrote what he REALLY meant :)

-----------------

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up.
Santa

-----------------

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I'll talk to your daddy. Let me give you some nice Lego in the meantime and let's see if you can build up a family with those.
Santa

-----------------

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

-----------------

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in rubbish disposal. How about I send you a fu***ng dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the Space Ranger, at least HE can spell!

Santa
P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man!

-----------------

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney, begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't fly up here. You're getting a King Cobra instead. He likes it when you pat his head.
Santa

-----------------

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, play station, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
I'll tell you what, I'll send you a round trip ticket to the North pole so when you get here I can kick sense into your fu***ng head. Who names their kid "Francis" anyway? I bet you're gay. I'll send you the Village People album instead.
Santa

-----------------

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing money at the craps table. And then one shitty day a year, I send toys to all you little f**kers!
Santa
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Old 12-16-2002, 13:30   #2 (permalink)
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Ha ha ha
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.

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Old 12-16-2002, 15:20   #3 (permalink)
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Fordforums has ruined christmas with all these threads... YAY!!!
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Old 12-19-2002, 03:58   #4 (permalink)
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ROFL!!!!
Now that was seriously funny!
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Old 12-19-2002, 22:56   #5 (permalink)
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tears .......

Just read this with eldest looking over my shoulder .......

Glad he is old enough to have a serious laugh with his mum

HAhaahahhahahahahahhahhahahhaa
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Old 12-20-2002, 01:15   #6 (permalink)
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lol

Nice job.
Especially like the Francis one!!
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Old 12-22-2002, 22:43   #7 (permalink)
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Heh heh heh heh

Classic........

Reflects how I felt managing a toy store at Christmas....

Cheers!
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