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Old 04-11-2005, 01:02   #1 (permalink)
CobraJet
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Posts: n/a
Shoot Me Twice

The '55 is only half the dilemma for the weekend. I wandered into a
bar Sat I haven't been to in a while. In the parking lot was a kustom
20's-style street rod with the big 'n' little tire treatment. The nifty
part was that it was powered by a B&M-blown small-block Phordd engine.

OK OK. So I go inside and look around to see the obvious, which
would be a some dude with a Ford shirt or something. Nothing.

So, there are these 3 chicks near me at the bar talking about one of
them having a birthday tomorrow (Mon). One of them asks Birthday Girl
if she's still working at the "hot rod place" (!). Now they have my
attention, so I butt in and ask BG if she has anything to do with that
rod outside. She says it's hers. Whoa. I say, "Nice to see it's
Ford-powered". She says, "Ford is the only way to go. Those Chevys that
everybody has are crap and they don't last".

You can imagine my brain doing cartwheels at this point. So I'm
see-sawing some conversation in between her yakky friends. No, she
doesn't work at the hot rod shop anymore because she split from her
hubby and that's where he is, blah blah blah. I kid her about having a
Sweet Sixteen party 'cuz she looks really young; I'm talking pony tail
and freckles here. She giggles and slams another drink. Looking real
close at her face, I'm guessing she's really 25 tops, but she isn't
giving up her age, and I'm too much of gentleman to ask.

So, I wait until she goes to the bathroom and I bribe one of her
friends with a round of drinks if she'll tell me her age. She tell me
37 and laughs at my reaction. ugoddabeshittnme, I says.

So, (you notice I use that word a lot), April (that's her name)
comes out of the bathroom, and I get a clear shot of her for proper
sizing up. You know the drill. And here's where I get bumped off Cloud
Nine. An easy 30 pounds overweight. Shitfire. I can't handle that. A
couple more drinks and I still can't handle that. I have the three of
them cracking up in my uniquely serpentine style, but...

Anyway, April tells me where she works now and gives me *that*
smile. You know what I mean. A Ford chick with a blower and an
Attitude, but chunky with two kids (of unknown age).

Kill me. Quickly.

CobraJet

--
ThunderSnake #1
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Old 04-11-2005, 04:01   #2 (permalink)
Bill S.
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Posts: n/a
Re: Shoot Me Twice

BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


TS#15

PS: Beware of women with excess baggage

PSS: No, I do not speak from personal experience



CobraJet wrote:
> The '55 is only half the dilemma for the weekend. I wandered into a
> bar Sat I haven't been to in a while. In the parking lot was a kustom
> 20's-style street rod with the big 'n' little tire treatment. The nifty
> part was that it was powered by a B&M-blown small-block Phordd engine.
>
> OK OK. So I go inside and look around to see the obvious, which
> would be a some dude with a Ford shirt or something. Nothing.
>
> So, there are these 3 chicks near me at the bar talking about one of
> them having a birthday tomorrow (Mon). One of them asks Birthday Girl
> if she's still working at the "hot rod place" (!). Now they have my
> attention, so I butt in and ask BG if she has anything to do with that
> rod outside. She says it's hers. Whoa. I say, "Nice to see it's
> Ford-powered". She says, "Ford is the only way to go. Those Chevys that
> everybody has are crap and they don't last".
>
> You can imagine my brain doing cartwheels at this point. So I'm
> see-sawing some conversation in between her yakky friends. No, she
> doesn't work at the hot rod shop anymore because she split from her
> hubby and that's where he is, blah blah blah. I kid her about having a
> Sweet Sixteen party 'cuz she looks really young; I'm talking pony tail
> and freckles here. She giggles and slams another drink. Looking real
> close at her face, I'm guessing she's really 25 tops, but she isn't
> giving up her age, and I'm too much of gentleman to ask.
>
> So, I wait until she goes to the bathroom and I bribe one of her
> friends with a round of drinks if she'll tell me her age. She tell me
> 37 and laughs at my reaction. ugoddabeshittnme, I says.
>
> So, (you notice I use that word a lot), April (that's her name)
> comes out of the bathroom, and I get a clear shot of her for proper
> sizing up. You know the drill. And here's where I get bumped off Cloud
> Nine. An easy 30 pounds overweight. Shitfire. I can't handle that. A
> couple more drinks and I still can't handle that. I have the three of
> them cracking up in my uniquely serpentine style, but...
>
> Anyway, April tells me where she works now and gives me *that*
> smile. You know what I mean. A Ford chick with a blower and an
> Attitude, but chunky with two kids (of unknown age).
>
> Kill me. Quickly.
>
> CobraJet
>

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Old 04-11-2005, 04:01   #3 (permalink)
John
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Shoot Me Twice

"CobraJet" <slither@fang.ford> wrote in message
news:110420050034410030%slither@fang.ford...
> The '55 is only half the dilemma for the weekend. I wandered into a
> bar Sat I haven't been to in a while. In the parking lot was a kustom
> 20's-style street rod with the big 'n' little tire treatment. The nifty
> part was that it was powered by a B&M-blown small-block Phordd engine.
>
> OK OK. So I go inside and look around to see the obvious, which
> would be a some dude with a Ford shirt or something. Nothing.
>
> So, there are these 3 chicks near me at the bar talking about one of
> them having a birthday tomorrow (Mon). One of them asks Birthday Girl
> if she's still working at the "hot rod place" (!). Now they have my
> attention, so I butt in and ask BG if she has anything to do with that
> rod outside. She says it's hers. Whoa. I say, "Nice to see it's
> Ford-powered". She says, "Ford is the only way to go. Those Chevys that
> everybody has are crap and they don't last".
>
> You can imagine my brain doing cartwheels at this point. So I'm
> see-sawing some conversation in between her yakky friends. No, she
> doesn't work at the hot rod shop anymore because she split from her
> hubby and that's where he is, blah blah blah. I kid her about having a
> Sweet Sixteen party 'cuz she looks really young; I'm talking pony tail
> and freckles here. She giggles and slams another drink. Looking real
> close at her face, I'm guessing she's really 25 tops, but she isn't
> giving up her age, and I'm too much of gentleman to ask.
>
> So, I wait until she goes to the bathroom and I bribe one of her
> friends with a round of drinks if she'll tell me her age. She tell me
> 37 and laughs at my reaction. ugoddabeshittnme, I says.
>
> So, (you notice I use that word a lot), April (that's her name)
> comes out of the bathroom, and I get a clear shot of her for proper
> sizing up. You know the drill. And here's where I get bumped off Cloud
> Nine. An easy 30 pounds overweight. Shitfire. I can't handle that. A
> couple more drinks and I still can't handle that. I have the three of
> them cracking up in my uniquely serpentine style, but...
>
> Anyway, April tells me where she works now and gives me *that*
> smile. You know what I mean. A Ford chick with a blower and an
> Attitude, but chunky with two kids (of unknown age).
>
> Kill me. Quickly.
>


Kimosobee, you going to die (because you've already been bitten by a more
lethal serpant).

--
John
ThunderSnake #59


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Old 04-11-2005, 09:01   #4 (permalink)
Big Al
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Shoot Me Twice


....
> "CobraJet" <slither@fang.ford> wrote in message
> news:110420050034410030%slither@fang.ford...
>> The '55 is only half the dilemma for the weekend. I wandered into a
>> bar Sat I haven't been to in a while. In the parking lot was a kustom
>> 20's-style street rod with the big 'n' little tire treatment. The nifty
>> part was that it was powered by a B&M-blown small-block Phordd engine.
>>
>> OK OK. So I go inside and look around to see the obvious, which
>> would be a some dude with a Ford shirt or something. Nothing.
>>
>> So, there are these 3 chicks near me at the bar talking about one of
>> them having a birthday tomorrow (Mon). One of them asks Birthday Girl
>> if she's still working at the "hot rod place" (!). Now they have my
>> attention, so I butt in and ask BG if she has anything to do with that
>> rod outside. She says it's hers. Whoa. I say, "Nice to see it's
>> Ford-powered". She says, "Ford is the only way to go. Those Chevys that
>> everybody has are crap and they don't last".
>>
>> You can imagine my brain doing cartwheels at this point. So I'm
>> see-sawing some conversation in between her yakky friends. No, she
>> doesn't work at the hot rod shop anymore because she split from her
>> hubby and that's where he is, blah blah blah. I kid her about having a
>> Sweet Sixteen party 'cuz she looks really young; I'm talking pony tail
>> and freckles here. She giggles and slams another drink. Looking real
>> close at her face, I'm guessing she's really 25 tops, but she isn't
>> giving up her age, and I'm too much of gentleman to ask.
>>
>> So, I wait until she goes to the bathroom and I bribe one of her
>> friends with a round of drinks if she'll tell me her age. She tell me
>> 37 and laughs at my reaction. ugoddabeshittnme, I says.
>>
>> So, (you notice I use that word a lot), April (that's her name)
>> comes out of the bathroom, and I get a clear shot of her for proper
>> sizing up. You know the drill. And here's where I get bumped off Cloud
>> Nine. An easy 30 pounds overweight. Shitfire. I can't handle that. A
>> couple more drinks and I still can't handle that. I have the three of
>> them cracking up in my uniquely serpentine style, but...
>>
>> Anyway, April tells me where she works now and gives me *that*
>> smile. You know what I mean. A Ford chick with a blower and an
>> Attitude, but chunky with two kids (of unknown age).
>>
>> Kill me. Quickly.
>>


Humm, wonder of she or her friends reads this group? :}

Al # 34


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Old 04-11-2005, 11:01   #5 (permalink)
Wound Up
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Posts: n/a
Re: Shoot Me Twice

"CobraJet" <slither@fang.ford> wrote in message
news:110420050034410030%slither@fang.ford...
> The '55 is only half the dilemma for the weekend. I wandered into a
> bar Sat I haven't been to in a while. In the parking lot was a kustom
> 20's-style street rod with the big 'n' little tire treatment. The nifty
> part was that it was powered by a B&M-blown small-block Phordd engine.


Cool... but why did you go to the bar?? To happen upon street rods?

> OK OK. So I go inside and look around to see the obvious, which
> would be a some dude with a Ford shirt or something. Nothing.
>
> So, there are these 3 chicks near me at the bar


Now, we're getting somewhere.

talking about one of
> them having a birthday tomorrow (Mon). One of them asks Birthday Girl
> if she's still working at the "hot rod place" (!). Now they have my
> attention, so I butt in and ask BG if she has anything to do with that
> rod outside. She says it's hers. Whoa. I say, "Nice to see it's
> Ford-powered". She says, "Ford is the only way to go. Those Chevys that
> everybody has are crap and they don't last".


CobraJet finds himself at a loss for words perhaps for the first time in a
decade. He begins to believe Ashton Kutcher is going to come screaming out
of the back room of the place.

> You can imagine my brain doing cartwheels at this point. So I'm
> see-sawing some conversation in between her yakky friends. No, she
> doesn't work at the hot rod shop anymore because she split from her
> hubby and that's where he is, blah blah blah.


A mild eyebrow-raiser, but certainly not out of the ordinary. Did any
synonyms around "unstable" or "psycho" enter the dialogue? What about
"injunction" or "restraining order"?

I kid her about having a
> Sweet Sixteen party 'cuz she looks really young; I'm talking pony tail
> and freckles here. She giggles and slams another drink. Looking real
> close at her face, I'm guessing she's really 25 tops, but she isn't
> giving up her age, and I'm too much of gentleman to ask.
>
> So, I wait until she goes to the bathroom and I bribe one of her
> friends with a round of drinks if she'll tell me her age. She tell me
> 37 and laughs at my reaction. ugoddabeshittnme, I says.


"Giggles and slams another drink". Youthful ways about her, looking *way*
too young to be her age, with a blown hot rod out front. Christ Almighty.

> So, (you notice I use that word a lot), April (that's her name)
> comes out of the bathroom, and I get a clear shot of her for proper
> sizing up. You know the drill. And here's where I get bumped off Cloud
> Nine. An easy 30 pounds overweight. Shitfire. I can't handle that. A
> couple more drinks and I still can't handle that. I have the three of
> them cracking up in my uniquely serpentine style, but...


There's always a rub... I'm sad to hear it might be with cellulite cream ; )

> Anyway, April tells me where she works now and gives me *that*
> smile. You know what I mean. A Ford chick with a blower and an
> Attitude, but chunky with two kids (of unknown age).
>
> Kill me. Quickly.


Ah, the look, of course. All this promise, your mind preoccupied, and
you're wondering about the unknowns and a chunk factor. This simply
requires further investigation. Slither on down, see what's up.

I won't kill you, but I will administer a healthy smack with a Rusty
Camshaft so you might take proper stock of the situation. It sounds like
you need it.

THUNK. Feel better?


--
Wound Up
ThunderSnake #65


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Old 04-11-2005, 14:02   #6 (permalink)
one80out@hotmail.com
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Re: Shoot Me Twice

> Humm, wonder of she or her friends reads this group?  :}

I'm wondering if she or her friends can read.

180 Out
TS 2

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Old 04-11-2005, 16:02   #7 (permalink)
CobraJet
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Posts: n/a
Re: Shoot Me Twice

In article <110420050034410030%slither@fang.ford>, CobraJet
<slither@fang.ford> wrote:

>
> Kill me. Quickly.
>
> CobraJet


It was obvious in this situation that I needed some spiritual
counseling; some enlightenment from the mouth of a leader of humanity,
a man with a clear head and a practical outlook on the relationship
between men and women.

I know, you're thinkin' I'm really cool for having the Pope's phone
number but hey, the old man bit the big one, and he ain't got no phone
where's he's goin'. I think. So, I called someone way better at this
shit, my cousin on the East Coast.

<ring ring. ring ring. ring ring. groggy voice answers>

"Hey what the ****. Who's dis? It ain't even noon, Snapperhead."

"Wake up, Andrew, it's me."

"Me who? If dis is a telemarketer, I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Nah, it's CobraJet, Dice Man, you ****in' jamoke."

"Hey Jet Man! That you? Hey, baby, how's the jewels, ah?"

"They're hangin' and clangin', buddy, how'z wit' you?"

"Ah, you know, anudder mornin', anudder broad I don't recognize I
gotta kick outta da bed."

"You gettin' soft, Dice? You shoulda bounced her somewhere between
"Yeah, baby, nobody smokes the baloney pony like you" and "Yo, bitch,
throw me a beer on da way out"."

"Yeah, I know, but she promised to clean my apartment if she could
stay. Chick's a real Hoover, if ya know what I mean."

"I gotcha, I gotcha. Listen, about that kinda stuff. I met this
chick the other day who's into the car thing. You know, straddlin' my
wavelength in the Blue Zone. You know what I mean?"

"I'm wicha, Jet. Hey, don't mind the noise; Little Dice gotta drain
a 12-pack this mornin', but I can piss and talk at the same time, 'cuz
I'm that kinda guy."

"You da Man. Anyway, this chick can talk real dirty with stuff like
"horsepower" and "camshaft" and shit like that, and of course her
panties needed a drip dry after I turned on the old Snake charm. I
mean, if I squint I can picture her servin' up the goods on skates at
the drive-up burger joint. But she kinda looks like she does her best
cruisin' down the ice cream aisle, if ya know what I mean. Dice buddy,
she left the door open, but I don't know what to do."

"I understand your dilemmafication, Jet, I really do. Times like dis
takes lots of uteroinspection and shit."

"Don't you mean introspection?"

"Hey, what's da diff, Snapperhead? Don't interrupt me while I'm
urologizing."

"Sorry Dice. Please continue."

"Anyway long story short, ya gotta ask yourself da ultimate
question, da one ting that tells you if the stiff you got from this
chick is a real bone or just another morning piss hard."

"Damn, give it to me!"

"The question is dis: would you **** dis broad on the 50-yard line
at half time on the Super Bowl so's everybody can see and shit? I mean,
would you bounce her butt into the Astroturf in front of a hundred
cameras, Jet?"

"I see what you're sayin', Dice. That's real brilliant, really some
genius shit there, man. And damn, I gotta say that I just couldn't do
it, on account of my reputation and all as a West Coast stud."

"Yeah, dat's it. Dat's all there is to it. Plus, you do one
chubster, an' before you knows it all da other local fatties want a
piece of ya, and pretty soon ya can't look at yourself or your pecker
in da mirror."

"Wow, man. I think you just saved my life there, Andrew. I knew I
could count on you."

"Yeah, hey, dat's what I'm here for. Now, if you'll excuse me,
little Miss Hoover's awake and she wants to hear some nursery rhymes.
Oh!".

"Hey, slide her some pork for me, and I'll be talkin' atcha later."

<click>

I'll tell you guys, I feel like a big weight has been lifted off me.
Maybe in more than one way. Now, I gotta go check out that Crown Vic.
Later.

CobraJet

--
ThunderSnake #1
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Old 04-11-2005, 16:02   #8 (permalink)
one80out@hotmail.com
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Re: Shoot Me Twice

Limp Rick wrote:

> <The bloviations of the last living human who thinks Andrew Dice Clay

is cool>

My post was funnier, and a whole lot less work.

180 Out
TS 2

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