Tools, and what they do
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
b.. MECHANIC'S KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing
convertible tops or tonneau covers.
c.. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die
of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in
the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear
Used to round off bolt heads.
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can
also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
g.. OXYACETELENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep
hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to
look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the
Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
h.. DISPOSABLE PROPANE TORCH
Poor substitute for oxyacetelene torch.
i.. ZIPPO LIGHTER
See oxyacetelene torch.
j.. WHITWORTH SOCKETS
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are
now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems(and wacki-tabaccie) from the
sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason. (Although some
people doubt the existence of Whitworth sockets, one set is still known to
exist and is on exhibit at the British Heritage Museum.)
k.. DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over
the bench grinder.
l.. WIRE WHEEL
Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django
m.. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for temporarily raising a wheel into the air to enable you to swap
a wheel. As the seals on the hydralic ram weep, the jack imperceptibly
lowers over time, which means that you need to re-pump the jack to get the
new wheel back on.
n.. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4
Used in place of a Hydralic jack, however requires a weight on the far
end to stop it returning to it's start position. (children and un-interested
partners are usually not suitable for this task, as they wander off at the
drop of a hat [or, more likely, spanner])
A tool for removing wood splinters.
Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor
jack, or if he can lean on the eight-foot long timber beam. (I say "he", as
the chances of phoning a "she", and getting a positive response is,
q.. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used
mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
r.. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.
s.. TIMING LIGHT
A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft
t.. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST
A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and
hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
u.. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER
A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
v.. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER
A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the
inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
doornail, just as you thought.
w.. AVIATION METAL SNIPS
x.. TROUBLE LIGHT
The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a
good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to
consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Somme. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
y.. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round
off Phillips screw heads.
z.. AIR COMPRESSOR
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40
to 50 years ago by someone in Birmingham or Solihul, and rounds them off.
aa.. NEEDLE-NOSE PLIERS
Used when futilely/desperately attempting to retrieve small components
which have fallen into a hidden crevice within the engine bay. In an
emergency, can be used to round off bolt heads.
ab.. SOLDERING WIRE (SILVER)
Although this item was designed before the invention of plastic, it's
main use is as a replacement for twist-ties.
ac.. STAPLE GUN
Invented by Charles Atlas for developing the forearm. This tool should
never be used for trying to attach one item to another as staples are not
made in that size.
ad.. BALLPEEN HAMMER
Interestingly, when first discovered in a cave by Fransco de Gama in
1602, the ball-peen hammer was useless, as the peen had not yet been
invented, and the paractice of hitting yourself in the balls had already
been perfected by the Druids, using a variety of devices. Ballpeen hammers
are now used by those with steady hands to swat flies. Also used as a
universal centerpunch, and for turning fingernails black.
ae.. CHROME SOCKET SET
When used as directed by manufacturer, will effectively strip the thread
from any known bolt. Older bolts can be made to snap off flush with their
retaining holes. (See E-Z OUT). The metric sizes are good for rounding off
bolts on older American and English cars, and most Australian cars.
Whitworth sets are rumoured to exist, but this has never been confirmed
outside of Britain.
af.. CHROME SOCKET SET RATCHET
A good substitue for any hammer.
I would add
Device for producing blood blisters on the webbed bit next to your
thumb or removing quantities of skin in handy pieces.