The Pope's Alaskan Tour The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then, using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it into the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who the Hell was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom and Heaven, but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Ho is that Democratic bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?
One night during the local deer hunting season a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy country bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a deer hunter tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try his keys in five different cars before he found his. He sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. All the other deer hunters left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.00.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The deer hunter replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.<H3>The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing: his eyes are rolled in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence....and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now What?"
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Alabama near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, her and I were married for 35 years."
__________________ Good Luck and good repairing Sterling_6
"You know, just like in that Book, When Jesus beats up Moses to get Religion!!"
A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in the morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she was pointing her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was telling her, Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want to take my saddle off of him!
Two Canadian hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.
Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first redneck says to the other, "If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you." After about three hours, the second redneck finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first redneck finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the second redneck man if he did what he told him to do. The redneck answers, "Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows."
A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.
The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, now it's my turn."
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