Join Date: Apr 2007
Re: Holy Water
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to
report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes here sleepy and her bum sore.
The Blood Donor. An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his> blood in case the need arises
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for> giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind> gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ." To this the Arab replied:
"Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. , woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Hamish reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
I went to a restaraunt with the missus
We sit down read the menu and as normal she buggers off to the toilet.
Moments later the waiter appears
"Is Sir ready to order?"
"Yes please, I'll have minestrone to start, follwed by Steak Diane medium with baby potatoes"
"Very Good Sir, and what is madam having?"
"Eh, a shit I think"