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Humor Heard a good joke or funny story? Keep it PG please.

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Old 09-25-2012, 20:55   #1 (permalink)
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Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on a curb throwing a bottle up in the air and catching it when a priest walked by. The priest asked, what do you have in the bottle? The little boy said, acid. The priest reached in his pocket and said I'll trade you this bottle of holy water for your bottle of acid. The little boy said what will holy water do? The priest said, I put some of this on a lady's belly this morning and she passed a baby. The little boy said, that's nothing, I put a drop of acid on a cat's behind and it passed a motorcycle.
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:36   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Holy Water

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to
report on all the neighborhood activities.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle."
........................................

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes here sleepy and her bum sore.

..........................................



The Blood Donor. An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his> blood in case the need arises
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for> giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind> gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ." To this the Arab replied:
"Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

........................................

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'


Next, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. , woman! You've no knickers Why not?'



She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Hamish reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'
......................................

I went to a restaraunt with the missus
We sit down read the menu and as normal she buggers off to the toilet.
Moments later the waiter appears
"Is Sir ready to order?"
"Yes please, I'll have minestrone to start, follwed by Steak Diane medium with baby potatoes"
"Very Good Sir, and what is madam having?"
"Eh, a shit I think"
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Old 10-04-2012, 20:30   #3 (permalink)
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Re: Holy Water

Don't find many heroes like this!

On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a lady about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped and dismounted their motorcycles.



George their leader, a big, burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of onlookers and past the state troopers, and said, "What are you doing, Lady?"

She said, "I'm going to commit suicide."

He gently approached her and quietly said, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

To everyone's surprise and with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and kissed the biker; it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

He backed away afterwards, stood a few inches from her and said, "That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, understand? We might be happy if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide anyway?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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