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Old 07-26-2013, 09:36   #1 (permalink)
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Jokes

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!
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A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
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63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..
The police are blaming AL IKEA ..
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Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
..........................................................
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic
Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth
and mutters:

"Too f**king late pal, I've already done the paperwork"
..........................................................
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Old 07-26-2013, 19:25   #2 (permalink)
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Re: Jokes

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Old 07-27-2013, 06:24   #3 (permalink)
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The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage. The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.

Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy. The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.

Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She said, "That naughty boy should have never crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"
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Old 07-27-2013, 17:10   #4 (permalink)
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of
Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the
service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and
talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you
afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."
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Old 07-28-2013, 07:17   #5 (permalink)
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Huh... he musta had 2 sisters.
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Old 08-16-2013, 12:40   #6 (permalink)
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Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite
topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior
center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a
lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts?
You 're almost 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do ...
I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.
She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
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Old 08-16-2013, 13:43   #7 (permalink)
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" five jumps a week " I can remember those days ........................just .
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Old 08-16-2013, 19:32   #8 (permalink)
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Hell, the only way I get any is if I jump her... when she's not looking!
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Old 09-08-2013, 20:39   #9 (permalink)
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The Dead Crow Mystery finally solved!

To determine how 200 crows died, one would expect a thorough investigation; however, who would expect such a finding?

Dead Crow Mystery Solved
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Absolutely amazing!
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Old 09-09-2013, 19:38   #10 (permalink)
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LOL. Well survival of the fitest I guess. If you can't adapt to say truck your doomed!!


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