A woman wakes up after a vaginal tuck, to find three bunches of flowers on her window sill..
One from her surgeon, to say all went well,
One from her husband, "get well soon", and he loved her,
One from Tommy in the burns unit, to say "Thank you for the new ears"!!
Paramedics attend a nasty accident, involving a sports car,
When they see the driver, screaming in pain, they tell him to calm down, as at least he wasnt flung thro the windscrean like his girlfriend.
He screams back..
"Have you seen whats in her f**k**g mouth"??
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man
picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the
wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face
cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the f'ing price'
The 5 stages of married sex...
1. Smurf sex..when you first meet and shag till your blue in the face.
2. Kithen sex..when you have been together a short while and you will shag anywhere in the house.
3. Bedroom sex..sex is routine, and you will only shag in bed on the occasional night.
4. Hallway sex..you pass each other in the hallway, and both say F**k you.
5. Court room sex..he takes you to court, and screws you in front of 20 strangers.
What do you do if your husband is running around the garden bleeding from the head?
Reload and fire again
Whats the difference between divorce and circumcision?
With divorce you get rid of the whole knob
Why men aren't agony aunts.
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband at home watching TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than half a mile down the road when the car conked out and shuddered to a halt. I walked back home and and couldn't believe my eyes when I found my husband in bed with our next door neighbour. Iam 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted the affair had been going on for 6 months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant nearly a year ago and and says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more. Can you help please.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance could be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debri in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and check the grounding wires. If none of these approaches helps, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delvery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
Hope this helps
The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.