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Humor Heard a good joke or funny story? Keep it PG please.

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Old 03-08-2014, 13:06   #1 (permalink)
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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

..........................

A man farts in bed next to his wife.

His wife asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown. I'm winning, seven nothing."

She decides to get even, so she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."

He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

..........................

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

Silicon Valley.
........................

A guy dies and goes to heaven. His tour guide starts to show him around the whole place; the tennis courts, the main lobby, when they come upon a room full of clocks. Some are going fast, some slow and some normal. "What's with all the clocks?" the guy asks his tour guide. "Each clock is for each person on earth. Every time they tell a lie, their clock goes faster," he said. Well that makes sense the guy thought to himself. Just then he noticed a clock on the ceiling going tremendously fast, and much faster than all the others. "What's that?" the guy said pointing to the ceiling. "Oh, that's Obamas clock. We use it as a fan."

......................
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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Old 04-05-2014, 20:01   #2 (permalink)
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Re: jokes

Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "How do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" he asks.

"Oh, that's easy," says the Queen. "You just ask them to answer a simple riddle."

Just then Gordon Brown walks into the room.

"Gordon, your mother and father have a child," says the Queen. "It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Brown answers, "Oh. That would be ... me, your majesty?"

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Upon his return to Washington, D.C., Obama asks Joe Biden the same question. "Joe. Your mother and your father have a kid. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisers and asks every one, but no one can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Robert Gates' shoes in the next stall. Biden asks Gates, "Robert! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Gates responds, "That's easy. It's me!"

Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Robert Gates."

Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Gordon Brown!"
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Old 04-06-2014, 07:16   #3 (permalink)
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Re: jokes

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Old 04-09-2014, 02:50   #4 (permalink)
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Re: jokes

Hahaha
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Old 04-11-2014, 16:38   #5 (permalink)
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Re: jokes

Hahahah. Probably true story.


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