More jokes .
A message to the bloke in the wheelchair who nicked my camouflage jacket: You can hide but you can't run!!!
Just got back from my mates funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
My mate and his wife are in a right state. They've found a load of bondage gear and S & M DVDs under their boy's bed. They asked me what they should do. I said "Well, don't spank him for f#cks sake!"
3 mice in a Glasgow pub have a talk about who is the hardest.
Edinburgh mouse says "I go up to mousetraps, rip the cheese out & as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times & throw it across the room".
Aberdeen mouse says "ya woofter, I get rat poison crush it into powder & snort it!"
Glasgow mouse finishes his pint, gets up and casually walks to the door, "where are you going?" asks the other two.
"Home to shag the cat"
Irish Pat says to mick "next time your having sex with the missus shut the ****in curtains , the full street seen you last night"
Mick "well the jokes on them I was out last night"
So I'm in a bar and this little Chinese guy is standing at the side of me,so I asked him,"Do you know martial arts like ju jitsu and kung fu?".
He asked "Why the **** you ask me that, is it because I'm Chinese?"
I said,"Naw, its because your drinking my ****ing pint."