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Humor Heard a good joke or funny story? Keep it PG please.

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Old 05-05-2013, 13:06   #1 (permalink)
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SCOTTISH HUMOUR

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around
the world so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando,
thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA
from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
"$10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by
what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that
for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw
the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if
this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun
what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to SCOTLAND
to see if SCOTS had the same phone.

He arrived in SCOTLAND, and again, in the first church he entered,
there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 pence per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same
golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line
to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so
cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in SCOTLAND now, son -
it's a local call".

.....................................

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make certain they understood the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said , "He's in heaven."

Mary was called upon and answered, "He's in my heart."

Wee Hamish, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked wee Hamish how he knew this.

Wee Hamish said, "Well, every morning, Daddy gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ! are you still in there?"

...........................................


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told
his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed
done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

Wullie had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her
that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn
mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

....................................

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)
The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
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Old 05-05-2013, 17:49   #2 (permalink)
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Re: SCOTTISH HUMOUR

I've been to Scotland and I agree, it's beautiful for the 2 weeks of summer, but the other 50 weeks of cold damp rain... not so much.
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Old 05-06-2013, 06:06   #3 (permalink)
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Re: SCOTTISH HUMOUR

Closest I've came to Scotland was some Johnnie Walker Red. It was pretty nice
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:00   #4 (permalink)
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Re: SCOTTISH HUMOUR

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Originally Posted by CatSkinner View Post
I've been to Scotland and I agree, it's beautiful for the 2 weeks of summer, but the other 50 weeks of cold damp rain... not so much.
That is our trump card , if the weather was great we would be infested by others . After two weeks of summer we moan about the heat .
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:05   #5 (permalink)
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Re: SCOTTISH HUMOUR

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Originally Posted by jwko View Post
Closest I've came to Scotland was some Johnnie Walker Red. It was pretty nice
Just an aside . Scotland , namely Prestwick airport is the only place in the UK where the great Elvis ever set foot on .That was on a stop over from Germany when he was in the service . Just rememdered that when I was down at the airport today .
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