Noticed how quiet it was and it reminded me of this:
A little boy was hanging around the house on a nice summer day. His mother was desperately trying to get him to go play with his friends, but his bike was broken and his friends were out riding theirs. His mother finally threw him out and told him to go find something to do. Being a kid, he decided to sneak back into the house and hid in the living room closet when the doorbell rang. His mother answered the door and he could here them talking and realized that they were kissing and it didn't sound like his father. Suddenly, he heard his mom say "It's my husband", and the stranger jumped into the closet as well.
The boy decided to take advantage of the situation and quietly said, "Sure is dark."
The stranger jumped, then said, "Yeah, it is."
"My Dad won't like you being here."
"How about we keep this our little secret."
"That is going to cost you."
"How about $20?"
"My bike is broken, how about $100?"
"That's a little steep", said the stranger, "let's make it thirty."
"My bike is broken and my Dad won't like you being here at all." said the boy. The stranger sighed and gave the boy the money and they both snuck out without being seen.
Later, his father saw him with his new bike and asked where he got it. "I bribed someone who was doing something very bad."
"That's awful!" his father exclaimed, we're taking the bike back and you're going to confessional!"
So the bike went back, and they went to the church. The boy sat down in the confession booth and waited in the dark. Soon, he heard the other door open and close.
After a few moments of silence, the boy said, "Sure is dark."
From the other side he heard, "No don't start that crap here!"
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big food hamper.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine liqueurs. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific collectable coins. At the fourth house a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee met him at the door.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, closed it behind him, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.
When they were done they met downstairs. There she fixed him a giant breakfast with eggs, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, tomatoes, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming hot tea. As she was pouring, he noticed a five-pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "**** him. Give him a fiver." The lady added, "The breakfast was my idea."
A woman walked into the pet store and asked the clerk for the most vicious dog they had. He showed her a rottweiler who was still a puppy and she declined,"I need a full grown vicious dog. Not a puppy."
So the clerk showed her a full grown doberman, but he'd never been trained and was as dumb as a box of rocks. "No, I need a trained, vicious dog." she stated.
"Well ma'am, we do have a wulfgoose, but I don't think he's what you want." said the clerk.
"What's a wulfgoose?"
The clerk shows her a horrible looking dog that looked like it came from the depths of hell. It had long hair looking much like a mohawk and tusks like a wild boar. "He's hideous," she exclaimed, "but is he trained?"
"He's been trained by the best," replied the clerk, "but I seriously don't think he's what you want."
"Show me what he can do." she demanded.
"Ok, said the clerk and pointed to a chair and said "Wulfgoose that chair!" and the dog proceeded to make saw dust out of the chair.
"That's impressive," said the woman, "but that chair was kind of small, what about something tougher?"
The clerk drug in a large cinder block, pointed to it and said, "Wulfgoose that block!" All that was left looked like a pile of sand.
"Excellent!" she exclaimed, "I'll take him!"
"But lady, you don't understand, he'll only take orders from men."
She thought about it for a moment and then broke out in a grin. "That's just perfect"
"Really?" said the clerk, "He'll never protect you."
"He doesn't have to. You see, my husband comes home just about every night drunk and losing our money by gambling and he often has lipstick on his neck and collar. If I say anything, he slaps me around. He's just a rotten bastard."
"Well how is this dog going to help you?" asked the clerk.
"Well, tonight, when he staggers through the door, I'll be waiting for him with the dog. I guarantee that he's going to look at it and ask 'What the hell is that?' and I will tell him that it's a wulfgoose. And I know, the first thing he will say is: 'Wulfgoose, my ass!'"
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