A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a manlooks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
I'm sorry I cant get into the spirit of things today. My son has just finished 7 years of medical training and in the first week is likely to get struck off and possibly jailed for sleeping with one of his patients. He was set to be a great vet too.
Guy went for a labouring job on a building site.
Can you make tea? Asks the foreman.
And can you drive a forklift truck?
****, how bigs the tea pot?
A man and his heavily pregnant wife are walking through the park. By the side of the path, they see a large, steaming dog turd. The wife stops.
"What is it?" her husband asks. "I don't know why" she says "but I've got a real craving to just eat that dog shit straight off the ground". He laughs nervously. She stares at him.
"You're... serious?" he says. "Yes. I don't know what it is, I just really want to. I'm going to do it". She starts to bend down and he puts a hand on her shoulder.
"Whoa, hang on, hang on. You're not going to do this. I can't believe you're serious". She glares at him. "My body knows what it needs. If I'm craving it, there must be a good reason". Seeing that she means it, the man decides to humour her.
"Okay, okay" he says. "We'll take it home and cook it and then you can eat it. I'm not having you eating dog shit off the ground". So he picks it up in his handkerchief, wraps it tightly and puts it in his coat pocket.
As they walk home, he tries to distract her. He points out a red squirrel. He talks about space exploration. He pretends to forget her middle name. But as soon as the front door closes, she turns to him.
"Where's that dog shit? I really want to eat it. I've been thinking about it all the way home". He frowns. "I thought maybe you'd go off the idea" he says. "You still want to do this?" "Look" she says. "How many times have you been pregnant?"
"Sweetheart..." "How many times?" he sighs. "None".
"None. Exactly! So you don't know what it's like. You have to be in tune with your body. If I'm craving something, that means that the baby needs it. This is for the wellbeing of our child. Do you understand?"
"I just think..."
"Do you understand?"
So he goes into the kitchen and unwraps his handkerchief. The turd sits there, fat and glistening. The smell of it makes him gag.
"How do you want this done?" he calls through to the front room. "It's up to you" his wife shouts back. "Just make it quick. I really want it".
So, he dusts a chopping board with flour and puts the turd in the middle. He starts to roll it, coating the outside. He adds paprika, cumin, pepper - anything to mask the smell! When it's covered in flour and spices, he heats some oil in a pan, adds garlic and drops the turd in. As soon as it hits the heat, a disgusting stench fills the kitchen. It's all he can do not to throw up.
"Smells good" his wife shouts from the next room. He rolls the turd over in the pan. It sizzles. After a few minutes with his hand over his nose, he decides it's done and slides it out of the pan and onto the centre of a plate. It sits there gleaming like a huge dead slug. He carries it through to his wife and sits down at the table opposite her.
"Listen" he says. "I know you're dead set on doing this, but I'm asking you -I'm PLEADING with you- please don't. I don't think you know what you're doing. Please, darling, don't do this!"
She stares at him across the table for a moment. Then, with barely suppressed rage in her voice, she says: "Listen. I know that this is what our child, our unborn child, needs. That may not mean a lot to you, but it means a hell of a lot to me. So I'm going to eat this dog shit whether you think it's a good idea or not. Because you know what? This isn't your decision to make". They stare at one another for a few seconds. Then he nods.
"Okay" he says. "I... I understand".
"Thank you" she says.
He sets out a knife, a fork, a glass of water and the plate in front of her. By now, the smell has filled the whole house. She picks up the knife, picks up the fork and stares at the turd. A flicker of concern passes across her face. She hesitates.
"What if..." she says "what if it makes me ill?" Her husband says nothing. "I mean, I know I want it, but what if it makes our baby ill?" She looks up at him. "You need to try it". It takes him a moment to register what she's said.
"You need to try it. To make sure it's okay. Please. For our child?"
"I..." He looks at her. He looks at the knife and the fork and the plate and the turd. "I..." He thinks of all they've been through together, all they've got to look forward to. He thinks of his baby girl. He doesn't know it's a girl, but he can feel it, he can just tell. "I..." And the turd, lying in the centre of the pristine white plate. He takes a deep breath. "Okay. Yeah, I'll do it. For you. For us. All three of us".
She pushes the plate towards him. He picks up the knife, the fork. Carefully, tentatively, he cuts a slice off the end of the turd. As he cuts into it, the stench hits him again. He gags and nearly cries. He spears the slice on the end of the fork and lifts it to his mouth. In the moment before he takes it, he makes eye contact with his wife. Then he closes his eyes and pushes the slice of turd into his mouth.
He bites down on it and it covers his tongue. He clenches his jaw. Flecks of brown form at the corners of his mouth. There are tears rolling down his face. A surge of vomit rises into his throat and he swallows as hard as he can. It all goes down - the vomit, the turd, the tears.
When his mouth is empty, he gasps like a diver surfacing for air. He grabs at the table to hold himself upright. He hacks and coughs, frantically trying to get rid of every trace of the flavour.
"How was it?" asks his wife. He gasps and wipes the tears from his eyes.
"That was... the single... most disgusting experience... of my life. The taste! Oh god, the taste! I thought the smell was bad, but once I tasted it, I just... In that moment, I wanted to die, just so wouldn't have to taste it any more. I felt like I was going to pass out, it was so bad".
"Oh" says his wife. "Right". She looks at the turd. She looks up at her husband, struggling for breath. She looks back at the turd. "Well" she says "I don't think I'll bother then".
Young lad goes out on a blind date.
Gets to her house to find out she is drop dead gorgeous BUt can only get around in a wheel chair.
Still being a gentleman he takes her out for wonderful evening of dining, wine and entertainment.
On the way home she suggest a stop over in the local park, where in the twilight of the evening he escorts her through the park. They stop for a bit to admire the sun set and the young lady suggests the possibility of having sex. The lad is stunned at the suggestion and asks how? She points out a tree and say that he could hoist her up into a low fork branch, she'd hang with arms over the branches and they could go at it. Well it seems to be a good idea and they have beautiful, hot, sweaty, monkey sex. So he gets her down and takes her home. Wheels her up to the front door where they are met by her father. The girl immediately gushes out what super sex she had to her dad. Who beams proudly and tells her that is really wonderful. Well the lad is wondering about this and meekly says to the dad, " I thought you'd be angry with me", " hell no says dad, most lads leave her hanging there".
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.
Tramp goes into a brothel.
"What's your cheapest deal?" he says to the guy behind the counter.
"Well, I can see you're a bit strapped - how about a hand job off Dirty Gertie for a fiver?"
"I said cheap!"
OK, well, we've got a room full of porn - you can have an hour in there for a quid"
"Sure you've got nothing cheaper?"
Guy thinks for a moment and says, "well, there's Big Bertha in the attic. To be honest, she was a sitting tenant when I bought the place. Been here for years. You can have as long as you like with her for 50p"
"Really? Fantastic - I'll go for that!" and hands over his 50p
Tramp starts walking up the stairs, when the guy says to him "By the way - whatever you do, don't suck her tits. Promise me you won't suck her tits."
Tramp thinks for a second and says "All right, I won't suck her tits" and trudges up the stairs.
Three hours later, he comes back down, massive smile all over his face. "That was fantastic! Haven't enjoyed myself that much for years! Mind you, you were right about not sucking her tits."
"Christ! You didn't, did you?"
"Yeah. Weird. It was like sucking a bag full of porridge."
"Porridge be buggered! Those were maggots - she's been dead a fortnight!"
Never, never, never give up.