Humour - Ford Forums - Mustang Forum, Ford Trucks, Ford Focus and Ford Cars
The Pub For General Discussion. No vehicle questions will be answered in this section.

 1Likes
  • 1 Post By R.S.LOGAN
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 07-06-19, 03:26 PM Thread Starter
Moderators
 
R.S.LOGAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Scotland
Posts: 18,749
Humour

Two elderly gentlemen who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So, she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?"

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"

...................

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So, they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So, they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But, about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

............
An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling.

"Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!"

The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?"

The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"

..................

I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the river
at 5 am this morning.

Being a responsible citizen, I informed the emergency services.

It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!





I'm now starting to think I've wasted a friggin' stamp

...................

A man is in court being convicted of having sex with an Alsatian.......



The Judge says, "Surely the embarrassment is punishment enough, just how low can you get?"




The man replies, "Well I f*cked a dachshund once."
jwko likes this.

Never, never, never give up.
R.S.LOGAN is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 07-06-19, 08:37 PM
Administrator
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 8,154
Re: Humour

jwko is offline  
post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 07-09-19, 06:21 PM
Dazed and Confused
 
CatSkinner's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 7,598
Re: Humour


Ever notice that there's so many high performance parts available for GM products?

Did you ever think that maybe they NEED them?
CatSkinner is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

  Ford Forums - Mustang Forum, Ford Trucks, Ford Focus and Ford Cars > Fordforums Community > The Pub


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome