Ford Forums banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,552 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Sure pooping might seem like a interruption in your day, or a big waste of time. But a more in depth look is necessary to truly appreciate the gift that God has given.

First we must start with your eating habits. If you really want to be in command of your bowel movements then you must eat at the same time everyday. When I go for a week of eating breakfast at 8:00 Lunch at 12:00 and dinner at 6:00, you could set a clock to my craps. Usually every day right after lunch I would move on to the crapper. Your special time may be different, but if eating times are the same you will become REGULAR.

Secondly, you must be comfortable while you are pooping. If you have to crap and you are at someone's house where you won't feel comfortable taking a dump, get out of there fast!! Go to a public restroom, or often times I will just go home. Home should be the place that you have your best most relaxing poops. If this is not the case then you really need to diagnose what the problem is. It could be one of those new crappy water saver toilets. Or maybe the leg room is not what it should be in the bathroom. Whatever the reason, you need to make it right if you are not comfortable in your own house.

Next, when you feel like you have to poop, don't wait around watching TV or driving. Your body is trying to tell you something. "I have to poop!" Be gentle on your colon and go as soon as possible.

Okay now, your eating right, your not making your body wait to go poop, you've found a comfortable bathroom, lets talk posture! I myself strip down naked if at all possible when I poop. That includes socks, shoes t-shirt, the works. It helps me feel comfortable and gives me the freedom to stretch my legs far apart while sitting on the throne. In a public restroom maybe I just take my shoe off and my leg out of my pants for almost the same effect. Also please take something to read or look at while you crapping. It's not a race and its hard on your body to push it out as fast as you can. Especially if your at work, remember they are paying you to crap. Take your time and relax. Think about a funny movie or TV show you like.

This section only pertains to poops that are rock hard and it can be skipped if this never happens to you.

So, you didn't eat right, or your sick, or you didn't drink enough water. Whatever the case may be you've landed yourself a real brick of a terd. My first advice is "DON'T PANIC". Sometimes if given a little time your body will just push it out on its own. I am talking maybe 10 minutes here. If it is still lodged after 10 minutes start with some gentle pushing. On for 5 seconds then off for 10 seconds. Give that about 2 minutes of work before moving on. Next step. If you've made it this far, don't be scared I can still talk you through it. Now is the time for some more intense pushing. Not hard enough to give yourself a hemorrhoid, but just enough to show this terd you mean business. It may be necessary to put your hands on the lid and lift your body up, then slam your body down and try to utilize gravity in your favor. If this doesn't work, don't worry I've been there before. Now try rocking back and forth on the seat. Bring your head down between your knees and then back up so your back is parallel with the tank, or wall. It's time to try and break this log off if possible. Lets do a quick review, you've tried gentle pushing, you've tried the waiting game, you've done the off and on pushing, you've done some more extreme pushing, you've done your mini hops on the lid and your rocking. Now it is time to get serious. Keep in mind that this is a last resort and I have only had to do this once or twice in my lifetime. Slowly lift your bottom off the toilet seat. After you have raised up above the lid take your two hands and push your butt cheeks together and try to pinch the terd off. This might get messy, but it will get the job done. Make sure you have a healthy supply of TP or preferably jump right in the shower after you get done.

Lastly, take time and do a proper wiping job. You will be paying for it all day if you don't. I am talking about chaffing and/or dingle berries here. Good luck.

In closing, pooping is not a chore. It is a time to relax, reflect and enjoy.
 

·
i pity tha fool
Joined
·
1,040 Posts
that's crap.
 

·
i pity tha fool
Joined
·
1,040 Posts
hehe ;)
 

·
We Love Greb Murpy
Joined
·
3,022 Posts
I hope... To high heavens that you didn't actually type that out. Or worse, think it up.
 

·
Mmm, high pressure wash.
Joined
·
3,086 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
114 Posts
So we have the "Art of Pooping", but have we had the "Different Styles of Poop"??. My personal favourite is the Mystery Poop. You know you had one, but where's it gone?? I know i did it, but it's not there!! Where did it go?? One of life's little mysteries.
 

·
Breastologist™
Joined
·
718 Posts
oh my!

Turdsicle, The (This one is really gross)
When you've taken your favorite bed bunny up the Hershey highway and pull your tool out, only to discover it's been chocolate-coated. Next time, don't forget the enema beforehand.
^
that is just wrong :puke:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,133 Posts
LMAO at the Turdsicle!!
 

·
100 SPEED LIMITED SILVAEA
Joined
·
1,043 Posts
ok weird!!!

lmao tho,

:weird:

cheers.joe.
 

·
Village Idiot
Joined
·
2,526 Posts
If i ever need help, i know who to turn too now.
Thank u



:twitch:
 

·
YES its a 5 Speed!!
Joined
·
2,242 Posts
hehehe..... what a pisser!
 

·
Future Art Student™
Joined
·
280 Posts
Zen and the Art of Going to the Lavatory
Relax mind.
Relax body.
Relax bowels.
Relax.
Do not fall over.
You are a cloud.
You are raining.
Do not rain
Whist the train
Is standing at a station.
Move with the wind.
Apologize where necessary.
-Douglas Adams, The HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy
 

·
Green's Tuff!
Joined
·
802 Posts
The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare
but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you
get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with
the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the
toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel
that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with
it.


The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too
many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a
sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog
that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill
advised...


The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you
all day stinging yer ring and generally making your chockie starfish feel
like the huttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese
Flag."


The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an
empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You
could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the
curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to
the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...pull up yer
kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll.
Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!


The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're
wet and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip
of the day: blot instead of wiping.


The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature
for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it
hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll
ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines
screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three
things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell
you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.


The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilised in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace
when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
tranquillity like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the
floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16...damn
commies.


The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates
are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover
the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At
the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of
your favourite opera.


The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You
grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the
little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach
between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors...


The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole
roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is
consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply
anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it
takes.


The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about
to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven
encores....


The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down
the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as
you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the
next person who comes in.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top