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Lady goes to the doctor.

Oh doctor I have a terrible infection.

Dr says no problem....take off your clothes and lie down with your legs apart.

She duly does, Dr covers his hand with antibiotic cream and rubs it all around her lower parts.

When he is finished he asks, so how was that?

Lady answers oh it was lovely, but the infection was in my ear.

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Teacher says to class “Give me an example of a animal than ends in tor that eats other animals “

Johnny puts his hand up and says “Alligator”

“Well done,anything else “ says the teacher

Jimmy puts his hand and says “Predator”

“Well done “ says the teacher,”Any more” ?

Wee Billy shouts out “Vibrator “

Teacher all red faced says “No Billy that’s not right and where did you get that word from”

Billy says “ My auntie Joan says her vibrator is eating up some amount of batteries “

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At a recent job interview the interviewer asked me " what is your greatest weakness?" I replied " Honesty". He said "I don't see honesty as being a weakness". I said " I don't give a %^*& what you think"

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A Teacher asked her class of seven year olds if anyone could give an example of the use of the word contagious.

Little holly put her hand in the air and says "When I was five I had chickenpox and had to stay at home because the doctor told my mother chickenpox was contagious."

The teacher replied "Yes holly that is a very good example well done."

Then young brendan put his hand in the air and said "My next door neighbor was painting the outside of his house with a 2 inch paintbrush and my dad said that it will take that contagious!"

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A guy goes into a bar and orders a double whisky which he duly skelps. He orders another and he sinks that too. Give me a third he says, and he swallys that one too. Again! A 4th double whisky is served to him
A guy sitting next to him says to him that he better be careful, as drinking like that will kill him.

My granda lived until he was 96 says the drinker.
Did he drink a lot of whisky? says the concerned bloke.
Naw, he minded his ain fckin business.

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His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

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The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the programme had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,"but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it ?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

A Sparrow, B Thrush, C Magpie, D Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."

Mick called up his mate Paddy, told him the circumstances and repeated the question.

"Fookin’ hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple. It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I’m fookin’ sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as me answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Easy. Because he lives in a fookin’ clock!"

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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked.

'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.


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A woman is lying soaking in the bath when her young son walks in.

He looks down between her legs and points saying, “What’s that, Mummy?”

The woman replies, “Oh, em, that’s where your father shot me with his arrow of love”, to which the kid replies, “Wow! Must be a good shot then, he got you right in the cūnt.”

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An elderly couple go to bed together for the first time, after meeting up at an old folk's tea dance.........



The old woman says to the man, " Hope you don't mind me saying, but I have to warn you,I have acute angina".



The old man looks her up and down.......grins and says, " Yeah, and your tits aren't bad either!"
 
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