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All these black jokes are really out of order.

I never treated black people like this, even when i was young.

When i was a kid my best mate was black and we played together all the time til my dad sold him.

..............

Bloke says to his missus, "me, you and the dog are going fishing in the morning". Missus says "I don't want to go fishing" so the bloke says "You either come fishing, give me a BJ or take it up the Jacksie". Missus settles for giving him a BJ just to get out of not going.

"Hang on a minute" says his missus "this tastes of sh1t"!!!
"I know" said her hubby..........."the dog didn't want to go fishing either"

..............

got a new car stereo, voice activated
i shout "country" and it plays Dolly Parton.
I shout "rock" and it plays Guns & Roses.
Was driving thru town the other day
& some little sh1ts ran out in front of me.
I shouted "f**cking kids" it played Michael Jackson .

................

My wife went into the butchers and asked "Is that a pig's head in the window?"

"No, it's a mirror"
..................

Whats the difference between a woman and a cooker ?

When you pull your meat out of the cooker it doesn't fart on you .

......................
A young chap starts work as a mortuary technicians apprentice.

The old fella teaches him everything he know's about the trade until one day he thinks that the lad is capable of running the morgue by himself.

He leaves the lad alone in the morgue while he pops over the road for a pint and a pie. He gives the lad his number just incase there's any problems.

The old bloke is half way through his lunch when the lad rings him;

" I've got a problem" says the young chap
" I've only been gone 10 minutes what the hell's gone wrong?" retorts the rather disgruntled old fella

"Well it's like this I've just received the corpse of a 19 year old female into the morgue. I've booked her in, washed her down and was putting the cadaver away when I noticed something strange about it. She's got a prawn stuck up her fanny!!!" explains the rarther excitable young bloke.

The mortician stops what he's doing and returns to the morgue. Sure enough laid out on the slab is the 19 year old corpse. The body is prestine, died of a brain heamorrage.

" Show me where this prawn is young chap. " says the old bloke, upon which the apprentice opens the cadavers legs and point to her twat.

" There look stuck right up her fanny" exclaims the young 'un
" That's not a f'in prawn" says the old man, "Thats her clitoris you stupid cnut"

"Well it tastes like a prawn" replies the young fella

...................

Hunch back of Notre Dame

Old Quasi was staggering around the backstreets of Paris, absolutely bladdered, people crossed the street as they saw him coming - he was disgusting - pissed and shat his pants a few times, puke and phlegm down the front of his vest .... ugh!

He decides he fancies a shag and manages to corner a disgusting old whore - she's absolutely too terrified to tell him to fcuk off and gets dragged up to his belfry.

He undoes his fly; his pants and their contents slop to the floor, then he tries to mount the whore and flakes out on top of her.

There she is, pinned to the ground by 20 stone of putridness - weeping sores and boils dribbling down on her - breath that would strip paint, a beard that moved with it's own micro culture.

She can't contain herself and pukes all over the back of his neck - this wakens him. In a panic he starts rubbing the puke off his neck "Aaaaah - aaaaaaaah AAAAAAAH Noooo"

"I'm sorry said the whore, I was sick - must've been something I ate"

"Oh thank fcuk for that" says Quasi "I thought my hump had burst!"
 
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